~ Closing Doors ~ the Sequel

So I know I said I was contemplating continuing Closing Doors to a third story. Well, this has been quite the year for me and I sincerely doubt I can continue this story any further.

You see, not only did I finally manage to write a complete story, plus it’s sequel, I also managed to begin a new life.

For those of you who don’t know me too well, the character Elle was ‘losely’ based on myself and my life. And just like in the story, in real life I ‘escaped’ this last October. I have since relocated to Brisbane (just this past week actually) and I’m in the process of finding work and getting my self settled into my new life. 

I bring with me one of my two children (long horrible complicated story that i’m not sharing) so my primary focus at the moment will be providing for them and being a single parent to the best of my ability. 

I hope to write again one day when my life evens out and things settle into place. So until that time, I want to thank you all for your support this year and encouraging me to keep writing. You have no idea how much that helped me to finally get myself together and make a move for a better life.

So thank you. Each and every one of you who reads this.

Elle

x

emelleah:

I want to ask you all though, who do you want the main character to be out of the guys?  

Andy, Bradie or Shaun??? 

Chapter thirty-one

Andy’s Point of view

My mind is black, my thoughts have gone astray. I can hear the sounds of my sobbing and my heart constricts in my chest. Emptiness invades my head and I fade into nothing. Until I hear a voice. It’s angelic.  It could only be Elle’s.

“Andy, wake up honey, please” I hear her say as consciousness floods my thoughts and I blink my eyes open. What I’m seeing doesn’t make sense.

The worried face, her hands on my body, the heat I can feel from her touch. It’s all present, it’s all before me. My brain is running at full speed and when I finally piece it together my mouth catches up.

“Elle, you’re alright” I manage to get out before pulling her to me, vowing to myself to never let her go. Kissing her hair, breathing in her familiar scent I whisper to myself “you’re alive.” It was only a dream.

The relief overwhelms me and I’m crying like a baby again. It was only a dream. She’s here, with me. She’s telling me what I’ve only just worked out for myself. She’s perfectly fine, safe in my arms. I silently make a promise not to let her go again.

**************************************************************

Elle’s point of view

Consciousness wakes my brain to the sounds of sobbing and the feeling of being in a noose. I’m being slowly squeezed tighter and tighter and I’m beginning to wonder if someone is trying to smother me.

I move my hand from beneath the warmth and manoeuvre myself to find the source of the noise.

Andy is lying there sobbing, his face is clenched painfully tight and he looks almost tortured.  I push myself away from him and say his name aloud. He doesn’t seem to hear me and I shake his shoulder roughly, trying to get him to wake up from whatever horrific dream he’s having.

“Andy, wake up honey, please” I say loudly in his ear and his eyelids flicker before opening suddenly. I watch as a torrent of thoughts flash through his eyes before he finally recognises me.

“Elle, you’re alright” he says as his arms pull me tightly to him once again. “You’re alive” he whispers as he kisses the side of my head several times. I hear his breathing pitch and realise he’s crying again.

Pulling back from him I gently stroke his face and wipe away the tears. “Hey, I’m fine, it was just a dream” I say as his face crumples again before me and he dissolves into sobs.

“I know, I know, thank fuck for that” he manages to choke out before cuddling me again.

I hold him close to me and he continues to sob into my chest. I can feel the moisture seeping through the sheets that have somehow got between us and I stretch my arm to the bedside table and grab him some tissues before wiping his tears away.

He takes a deep breath and looks up at me; the red lining his eyes is heartbreaking for me to see.

“Don’t ever leave me” he whispers.

I bend and kiss his forehead before gently saying “why would I do that? I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

He tightens his hold on me and rests his face on my chest again. I gently stroke his back and listen to his breathing calming down.

“Do you want to tell me what your dream was about?” I ask him, genuinely curious.

“I lost you” he says, his voice cracking slightly.

“I’m right here” I reply as I run my fingers through his hair.

“I know, but it seemed so real you know. Like it actually happened” he tells me. He takes a steadying breath before lifting his head from my chest again and staring me in the eyes. “I wanted to die with you.”

I feel an eyebrow arch and immediately wonder what the hell he was dreaming about. “What a weird thing to say. What happened in your dream?”

“I don’t want to go over it again just yet” he says before lying back down again. We sit in comfortable silence for a good half an hour or so before my pressing bladder urges me to get up.

“I have to go to the bathroom” I tell him as he sits up and releases me. I scoot out of bed and glance at the clock. It’s after eight already and the kids will be chomping at the bit to come home.

When I reappear out of the ensuite dressed, Andy is still in bed, but sitting up this time. “Are you okay?” I ask him, the worry clearly etched on his face.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine” he says looking at me and smiling softly.

“I’m starving, I need to eat. Come on, let’s go have breakfast and then go see your family. I’m sure they’ll be pleased that you’re back” I say.

“Alright, I’m just going to jump in the shower real quick if that’s okay” he says as he stands up. His body distracts me from what I was going to do and I blatantly stare at him as he rounds the bed and walks towards the ensuite.

“See something you like?” he asks me with a cheeky smile.

Happy that he seems to be back to normal I give him a quick wink and say “Always.”

He wraps his arms around me and kisses me softly before slapping my bum. “Go and make me breakfast woman before you’re too pregnant to get near the stove” he says with a grin before quickly running into the ensuite before I get a chance to slap that lovely ass of his.

“Charming Andy” I say as I head out to the kitchen. I hear the water in the shower go on and I put the kettle on and start making some pancake batter. By the time Andy is out I have three pancakes already made for him with a coffee as well.

He sits at the kitchen bench and starts on his breakfast as I finish making mine. I turn the stove off and lean against the bench as I cut my pancake up. As I bring it to my mouth the smell hits me in a wave and the nausea instantly overtakes me. I quickly turn to the sink and throw up the three mouthfuls of coffee I’ve had this morning.

Andy is around the bench with his hand on my back in an instant. I take a breath and rinse my mouth out with water. “Are you okay gorgeous?” he asks me.

“Yeah, sorry, I just felt sick all of a sudden” I tell him as I stand up straight again. He brushes the hair from my face and stares me in the eyes.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks me.

“Yeah, I’m okay, just a bit of nausea I think. You might as well have my pancake too” I tell him.

“Is this the start of morning sickness?” he asks me.

“I have no idea, I never got it with the other two” I tell him.

“Right, well tomorrow, you and I are going to see Doctor Simpkins and we’re going to make sure everything is okay.”

He pauses and looks at me thoughtfully before saying “you know, I don’t even know when you’re due” he says.

“The first of February” I say with a smile.

He returns m smile, kissing my forehead and saying “February hey? Well I guess I’ll have to make sure that we aren’t touring or anything around then.”

I nod my head as I grab my coffee and take a sip. Andy moves back around the bench and I watch as he devours his pancakes, followed by mine.

“So who else knows that you’re expecting?” he asks me as he washes down his breakfast with his coffee.

“Umm, Alice and Bradie do, and Vicki as well. And last night Shaun and Brooke accidentally found out too.”

“How did they accidentally find out?” he asks me.

“Well, after I had that little push and shove with Julie, Bradie came in with Brooke and Alice to the bathroom to check on me. He made the mistake of putting his hand on my stomach and Brooke just clicked. Shaun came in as she was asking me if it was true.”

“Of course Bradie would know. That explains why he’s been so protective of you lately. I asked him a few times how you were but he would just give me generic answers, nothing specific.” He pauses and looks down at his empty plate. “So when did you find out?” he asks me.

“Ah, let’s just say I had an incident and I had to get checked out by a doctor and I found out that way.”

“So you’ve already seen Dr Simpkins then?” he asks me.

“Ah no, not exactly. I saw a lady doctor at the hospital” I tell him.

“Why were you at the hospital?” he asks me, frowning.

Taking his dirty plate and cup from him I start on the dishes whilst I explain to him about my little breakdown that I had.

When I’ve finished he looks a bit pissed. “Why the fuck didn’t anyone call me?” he says.

“I made them all promise not to tell you, your mum and dad included.”

“Wait a minute. Do they know you’re pregnant?” he asks me, the worry evident on his face.

“No of course not, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone before you, but things don’t always go to plan.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I should have realised you wouldn’t do that. So when did you want to tell everyone then?” he asks me.

“Umm well how about we just let your family know at the moment and tell everyone else after we’ve seen the doctor and had everything confirmed?”

“What about Max and Lilly? Do they know yet?” he asks me.

“I think it will be enough for them to deal with you coming back at the moment. I don’t want to overload them with information.  It’s a lot them to deal with.”

“Okay, well how about we go and see them when we’ve finished the dishes?” he says standing and grabbing the tea towel from the bench. “Is there anything you can eat though? You said you were hungry” he says.

“There may be some Cruskets or something in the cupboard I can have. I’ll have a look in a minute” I tell him as I finish wiping the bench.

When I ‘m done I search through the pantry but don’t manage to find anything suitable. I might ask Sarah if she has any dry biscuits.

“I’m going to brush my teeth and then we’ll get going” Andy says from behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my cheek.

“Alright then, I’ll be in the bathroom in a minute” I reply as I continue my hunt for something edible.

I manage to find a box of Jatz biscuits at the back of the cupboard and retrieve them. I open the packaging and try eating one. When I’m satisfied that I’m not going to hurl again I stuff two more in my mouth and thank heavens for Arnott’s biscuits.

Andy returns to find me happily munching away on my breakfast and has a laugh at me. “I see you found something then” he says.

I put the box on the bench and hold my index finger up to him, signalling to hold on for just a second, whilst I finish my mouthful.

“I didn’t realise I was that hungry” I say as I go to the fridge and grab a water bottle.

“Are we going?” he asks me, one eyebrow raised.

“Oh right, hang on, I’ll just go and brush my teeth” I say as I rush to the ensuite.

When I come back out he’s waiting at the front door for me. I quickly dash to the kitchen, grab my box of Jatz and head out the front door with Andy close behind.

“Where’s your car by the way?” I ask him.

“It’s still at Shannon’s house. I caught a taxi here last night” he tells me as we walk up the driveway.

He opens the front door and I walk inside with him right behind me, his finger tips hooked into the back pocket of my jeans.

“Hello” I sing out to see who’s around.

“We’re out back” I hear Sarah say as we walk towards the back door.

I step outside, Sarah looking up and smiling at me before she realises that Andy is behind me.

“Andy” she breathes out before standing and coming towards us. I feel his hand release my jeans as I go over to the swings where the kids are playing quietly.

“Morning Tom” I say as I walk past him, his smile is huge as he stands and walks toward his wife and Andy.

“Morning Elle, lovely day isn’t it?” he says with a wink.

“Yes, yes it is” I reply with a huge grin.

I say hello to the children and surprisingly they are all very cheery.  Even Max is smiling and seems very interested in the return of Andy.

I walk back over to the outdoor setting and sit down waiting for Sarah, Tom and Andy to join me. I open my box of Jatz again and continue eating.

“So, Elle, want to join me in the kitchen?” Sarah asks me and I follow her inside.

“He’s back” she says, leaning against the kitchen counter whilst waiting on the kettle to boil.

“Yep” I answer, keeping my jubilation low-key.

“Are you okay with that?” she asks me and I realise she has no idea about Julie. I proceed to fill her in on everything that happened last night, well almost everything. Tom and Andy come in halfway through and listen as I explain it all. When I’m finished, Sarah looks like she’s ready to murder someone. Tom grasps Sarah’s hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“I’ve put the kids in the playroom, Andy said he needs to talk to us all without them overhearing us” Tom says.

I smile at Andy as he walks over to where I’m standing and puts his arm around my waist, pulling me in front of him and resting his head on my shoulder.

“Take a seat guys” he says to his parents. They are looking awfully suspicious but do as he asks.

We didn’t discuss how we were going to tell them the news so I let Andy take the lead.

“So we wanted to tell you guys something, some happy news this time. Elle’s pregnant” he says.

The look of shock registers on Tom’s face but Sarah looks slightly smug.

“I thought you were” she says to us, smiling her head off. “Oh I’m so happy for you two” Sarah says as she stands and comes and envelopes us in a group hug.

Tom stands back and waits for Sarah to release us from her bear-hug before moving forward to shake Andy’s hand then giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“What do you mean you thought so?” I ask Sarah as Tom releases me.

“I just had this feeling, things were different, and you were a little different. Bradie knows too doesn’t he because even he’s been acting weird.”

I nod my head in reply as she says “I thought as much.”

“This is such good news” Tom says. “So when are you due Elle?”

“Around the start of February at this stage but I’m not 100% certain. I have to go see the doctor this week. But I do want to ask one thing of you guys, please don’t tell this to anyone just yet? The kids don’t know and I’d prefer to wait until after the first three months is over” I say to them.

“Of course Elle, we will tell no one about this” Tom says.

We spend the rest of the morning at Sarah and Tom’s place, realising after an hour or so that Bradie isn’t even home. Turns out he didn’t make it back and I have an uncontrollable urge to ring Alice and demand to know where he is. I tell Andy about the party last night and when we get home just before lunch I grab my phone and call him.

There’s no answer so I send a text asking him to call us instead.

We spend a few hours lazing around the house, enjoying the peace and quiet. Around three o’clock I drive Andy back to Shannon’s so he can get his car and his things. I tell him I’ll meet him at home, allowing him time to talk to Shannon and explain the situation.

Just before I serve dinner Andy arrives home, lugging bags inside to put away in our room again. After we have eaten, we sort through his things as Max and Lilly watch TV.

At eight thirty I put the kids to bed and go back to helping Andy with his things. When we are done it’s almost nine-thirty and I’m exhausted. These extra hormones zooming around my body are wearing me out so fast these days. We have a shower together and then I crawl under the doona before promptly falling asleep on Andy’s chest.

The alarm shrills in my ears and I blindly reach out and switch it off. Forcing my eyes to open I roll out of bed and head to the bathroom for what feels like the eighth time since going to bed. Andy is still fast asleep. I have no idea what time he finally dozed off but I know it was after midnight.

I get dressed and go out to get the day started. The kids are already up and we have breakfast together. Strangely enough they both seem quite fine with Andy’s return and I’m pleasantly relieved by this. I felt sure that Max was going to have his back up over it but he seems to be taking it all just fine.

After breakfast the kids get dressed for school whilst I clean everything up. I poke my head into the bedroom and find Andy still sound asleep. In fact, he hasn’t moved from the position I left him in.

I duck into the ensuite, making sure that I’m as quiet as possible, and brush my hair and teeth. I kiss Andy’s forehead gently before leaving the room and walking the kids to the bus. I say goodbye them both as they board the bus and walk back home slowly.

Bradie is sitting on top of my letterbox when I return and he gives me a slow smile.

“Good morning Bradie, and just where have you been hiding?” I ask him with a grin.

“Ah, well, I stayed at Alice’s place Saturday night and then we didn’t get up until late yesterday so I just decided to stay there again last night.”

What did he just say? Did he say what I think he did? “Wait? What does this mean?” I ask him, my jaw hanging so low I swear I feel the grass tickling my chin.

“Ah, I’m not sure but I think Alice and I are going to give it another go” he tells me.

“Really? That is brilliant news” I squeal as I hug him tightly.

“You’re okay with this?” he asks me as I release him.

“Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?” I ask.

“Alice and I weren’t too sure what you’d think” he says, looking a little nervous.

“You two are my best friends, why wouldn’t I be happy for you both?” I tell him.

“I can’t help but notice the car in the driveway” he asks me.

“You haven’t been home yet have you?” I ask him, noticing that he is still wearing the same clothes.

“No, I haven’t. Tell me what’s going on” he says.

I re-cap on the events of the last twenty-four days for him and his smile matches mine by the time I’m finished.

“So he knows about the baby then?” he asks me.

“Yeah, he does” replies Andy walking up behind Bradie is just a pair of jeans and nothing else. Hormones rage around my body and my mouth floods with saliva.

He shakes Bradie’s hand and does the one-armed hug. Bradie relays his news as well and I realise we are still gathered around the letterbox. I invite Bradie into our house and make us all hot drinks.

The boys are deep in conversation when I realise I have to go into Tinkerbells to pick up the weekend invoices. I let the boys know and head into town.

When I arrive, Sandra greets me with a smile and instantly corners me when I start grinning excessively. I tell her the whole story and by the time I’m finished it’s almost lunch. I quickly grab my paper work and send Andy a message to let him know I’ll pick up lunch for us all.

I walk across the road when I receive a return text from him. He tells me that he and Bradie have already driven to the local shops and they’re waiting on fish and chips. I let him know that I’ll be home in half an hour as I walk through the doors to the deli and greet Alice with a big smile.

We exchange hugs and then news with each other. Today is a brilliant day. I haven’t smiled this much in what feels like forever. When I leave I promise that we’ll do a double date soon and I head to the car and drive back home.

When I arrive, Bradie and Andy still aren’t back yet with lunch so I settle down to do a bit of paper work instead. When they finally do return they are both full of apologises but I wave a hand at them to silence them.

“I’m pregnant, and I’m hungry, feed me” I say with a serious look on my face.

Bradie lets out a bit of a giggle before coming over to me and kissing the top of my head.

“Something’s come up, you two enjoy your lunch and I’ll talk to you both later” he says. I smile in return and mention the double date that Alice and I had discussed before he leaves.

When the front door closes Andy takes the fish and chips out of my hands and says “come on. We’re going to the park to eat this.”

“Oh okay, but can’t I just have a couple of chips first?” I ask him.

“You can wait ten minutes surely” he replies, grabbing his keys off the bench with his wallet and phone.

I sigh before replying “sure, it’s not as though I’m dying here or anything” which earns me a grave look over his shoulder at me.

“Not funny” he says as I follow him out the door, pulling it shut behind me.

“I thought it was” I mumble as I follow him grudgingly to the car.

We drive the short distance to the park, Andy filling me in on his and Bradie’s catch up from this morning.

It’s a Monday and there is hardly anyone here at all. “Grab the blanket out of the boot for me please?” Andy asks me and I walk to the back of the car and open the lid, grabbing the travel rug he keeps in there and slamming the boot shut.

“Are you cranky?” he asks me.

“I’m hungry. So yes, that makes me cranky” I reply.

“Okay, okay, I’ve learned my lesson, don’t deny you of food when you’re hungry, got it.”

“Good, now give me the chips” I say with a smile as I playfully reach out for the wrapped lunch he’s carrying tightly.

“Not until we get to our spot and sit down. It’s easier then, you’ll just spill them everywhere if you open it here” he tells me, heading in the direction of the lake.

I follow and as we approach the little bench seat where we first fell in love I feel myself smile automatically.

This is such a beautiful and peaceful spot that I’m sure will always hold a sacred place in my heart. I spread the blanket out and plonk myself down on top of it, feeling calmer now that we have reached our special place.

I watch as Andy puts the fish and chips down and sits back, he glances up at me and I swear I see a bit of fear in his eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him. “I haven’t scared you off with all these stupid pregnancy urges have I? “ I ask him.

He smiles softly and shakes his head. “No, not at all” he replies and I hear him suck in a breath before saying “I thought you were hungry?”

I lean over and kiss him softly, our lips meeting briefly before I smile and sit back again.

“Yeah, I am. Mushy stuff later, right now, I’ve got to eat” I say as I begin to pull away the paper around our lunch. I smooth it all down and grab some chips from the top of the pile and shove them into my mouth. Their salty flavour almost makes me moan in delight and I lick my fingers clean.

“Aren’t they hot?” Andy asks me. “Perhaps you should spread them around?”

“They aren’t too bad” I say as I start to spread out the greasy fried potato fingers. Something sparkles and it catches my eye, followed quickly by my breath being caught in my throat.

It’s a ring. It’s a diamond ring.

Andy rises from his relaxed position, bringing a knee up and kneeling before me as he picks up the ring and licks his lips.

“Elle Piper. I love you and I don’t ever want to be apart from you again. Will you marry me?” he asks me nervously.

I blink furiously, trying in vain to hold the tears back. Andy is declaring his love for me. He wants me forever. I swallow the lump in my throat as a myriad of thoughts travel through my head. The most prominent ones being do I say yes or do I say no?

Isn’t this what I want? Andy and I together, raising our child together? Once bitten, twice shy keeps flashing in my thoughts and as I glance to Andy I realise I still haven’t answered him.

I smile and lick my lips as I prepare to give him my answer.

***************************************************

Thankyou guys so very very much, from the bottom of my heart. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have read all of this and stuck with me from the beginning.

To @rabbits_told_me and @HighwayPhantom1, without you two encouraging me and kicking me up the ass, I would never have written so much. I’m blessed to be able to call you both my true friends.

To @ohhaialeish, my sounding board, my plot devisor, my friend, thank you. You mean more to me than you will ever know.

For everyone else, I sincerely thank you all.

Elle x

okay. so…… i might have misled you all……… The LAST chapter of Closing Doors the sequel will be up at 5pm tomorrow.

Chapter thirty

My heart beats hard in my chest and I swear I feel all the blood rush to my head. I plant my feet firmly on the ground to steady myself.

“Hi gorgeous” he says quietly.

Speech seems to be avoiding me and I stare stupidly at him.

“I’m sorry for turning up un-announced like this but I needed to see you, I think we need to talk about some things.”

I blink as my mouth opens but words evade me. What the hell do I say?

“Do you think I can come inside?” he asks me and it seems to snap me out of the trance I’m in.

“Yeah, sure” I reply as Andy stands and I put my key in the door, turning the handling and walking inside. I flip the lounge room light on and walk to the kitchen, hearing the front door shut and Andy’s footsteps behind me.

I put my phone, keys and the remains of my costume on the bench. “Do you mind if I get changed first?” I ask him and he shakes his head no.

“Nice costume by the way” he says as I walk into the bedroom and close the door behind me, leaving him sitting at the kitchen bench.

I quickly strip out of the nun costume, throwing it the floor and grab a jumper to put on with my jeans. What the hell is he doing here? Surely he couldn’t have heard about Julie already. If Shaun has opened his big mouth and told him I’m pregnant I’m going to knife him.

I run a brush through my hair quickly before tying it up and walking back out to the kitchen, trying my hardest to not appear nervous.

“Sorry about that. Do you want a drink or anything?” I ask him.

“I’ll have a cup of coffee if you’re having one” he says, surprising me.

“You don’t want a beer?” I ask.

“No thanks. I’ve been off the alcohol for a week or so now” he tells me.

“Really? Why is that?” I ask as I fill the kettle and turn it on, surprised at the civility of our conversation so far.

“I figured it was time for me to grow up a bit and start acting responsible for a change.”

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. I always thought of him as being responsible and I can’t imagine why he’d think otherwise. But in the interest of keeping the peace I leave it at that.

I ready our cups, wondering if I should keep the pleasantries up when I hear him clear his throat.

“So I wanted to talk to you about a couple of things” he says and I turn my attention back to him.

I lean with my back against the bench and dig my hands into my pockets.

“Firstly, I want to say I’m sorry” he begins.

“The way I left was so cowardly and no doubt hurt you immensely. But I didn’t know how else to leave. I knew if I tried to tell you face to face I would buckle and give in and things would have been worse.  I would have made your life a living hell with my foul moods.”

I swallow gently, digesting the information as I hear the kettle turn off from behind me. Using that as an excuse to break his eye contact I turn around and pour out our coffees. If I continue to look at the beautiful man sitting at my kitchen bench I may just start begging him to come back. Stirring the coffee I dump the teaspoon in the sink and hand him his cup before resuming my position.

“Do you understand though why I felt it necessary to leave?” he asks me.

I look at him before sipping my coffee and putting it back on the bench.  Clearing my throat, hoping that my voice isn’t going to waver I reply “I can see why you did it, but you have to know it wasn’t the right thing.”

“But don’t you realise, it was my fault that the custody of the kids was challenged. It was because of me and my juvenile behaviour that got you into this mess. It’s my entire fault. If I had grown up years ago and stopped behaving like such a giant asshole this wouldn’t have happened. They would have no reason to try and take your children.”

I release a sigh and let my head hang. Very obviously his guilt is eating him alive and I feel an urge to share my news and put him out of his misery. But before I get the chance to speak he starts talking again.

“I knew I was going to end up hurting you by leaving, but it would have hurt you more if I had stayed and you lost the kids.”

I feel tears well up in my eyes and realise that this may quite possibly be the most selfless thing anyone has ever done for me.  I wipe the tears away as the fall down my face, still refusing to look at him.

“Oh shit, see there I go again, I made you cry” he says.

I look up at him and try to smile, not quite managing it. I take a deep breath instead. “Why would you think you need to grow up when what you did is possibly the most beautiful display of love anyone has ever done for me?”

“But look at you! All I’ve done is upset you yet again.”

“These are tears of happiness stupid” I say, wiping them away.

“Look Elle. I love you and you know that I do but I’m not going to be the one who is responsible for your life without your children.”

I shake my head at him and almost let a giggle out. “You don’t understand. You have no excuses not to stay” I say to him.

“Why? What’s happened?” he asks me.

“I’m actually glad you showed up tonight. I’ve wanted to talk to you but I figured you wouldn’t take my calls. But I have some news for you, several things actually.”

“What?” he says, leaning forward on the bench.

“Before I tell you, I want to ask, why were you suddenly on my doorstep tonight?”

“Bradie rang and told me that you were heading home early from the party and that I should check on you. Something about having a run-in with someone?” he says.

“Oh okay, trust Bradie to remember to call you when he’s drunk” I mumble to myself.

“What happened tonight?” he asks me.

His question reminds me that I should have some ice on my hand. I walk to the freezer and grab an icepack out and wrap it in the tea towel before putting it on my hand.

“What happened?” he asks me again.

“Oh, I’ll get to that in a minute” I say as I walk around the bench and perch myself on the stool beside him.

I can feel Andy’s gaze on me and I chance a glance sideways to see his blue eyes starting at me, waiting.

I break the contact and look down at my hand instead. “So first of all I guess you should know that the court case has been withdrawn.”

“Really? That’s brilliant news” he says, the grin present in his voice.

“Yeah, I managed to talk them out of it and it was officially withdrawn yesterday. So there’s no reason to worry about that anymore” I say.

“I’m so happy for you” he says with a smile.

“I’m so glad that’s over with. But I should also tell you that I know who it was that started all of this. Who tipped off the newspapers, who gave Jim and Carol the information and who sent me that text from your phone.”

“It was Julie wasn’t it?” he asks me.

I look up at him and nod. “Yeah it was. She actually had the nerve to confront me about it tonight and basically admitted to it.”

“I knew it was her behind this but I had no way to prove it. When Bradie told me about that text that I apparently sent you I realised then that someone had been screwing with us. I was mortified when Bradie told me about it and that you had believed that I sent that. I wanted to call you and tell you that it wasn’t me but I didn’t know how” he says. Reaching over he takes my good hand in his and gently strokes it.

“How did you hurt your hand?” he asks me.

“I might have punched Julie when she had a go at me about you leaving” I tell him.

“You punched her, seriously?” he says, laughing a little.

“Yeah, well she deserved it” I reply turning and smiling at him. The feeling of his skin on mine is blissful and soothes my racing heart, as though he’s the antidote to my anxieties. I still have one very important thing to tell him but I’m not sure how to say it.

“I see you got my flowers” he says to me, looking at the kitchen table where they sit.

“So it was you” I say, turning my hand over in his and holding it softly. I’m still amazed by the feel of his calluses against my skin.

“Who did you think it was?” he says with a grin.

“Well you did leave me guessing with your mysterious card and all.”

“Ah well I stood for twenty minutes in that florist trying to put into words what I wanted to say and couldn’t decide on anything that covered it. I figured a single kiss could be the beginning then I’d man up and tell you the rest in person.”

“What did you want to tell me then?” I ask him.

“That I miss you, that I want to be a part of your life again, if you’ll let me. I realised I hadn’t been living by those words I had tattooed on my arms and decided that I need to get my shit sorted out. I would have come and seen you anyhow, even if Bradie hadn’t called me like the drunken ass that he is. Do you think you can forgive me?”

I return his smile and when he leans forward towards me I don’t hesitate to meet his lips in a sweet lingering kiss. When we pull apart I suddenly realise how I’m going to tell him the news.

“What does your tattoo mean again?” I ask him.

“Oh it’s Danish for Seize the Day” he says.

I smile at him and say “so what’s Danish for daddy?”

He seems to think for a second before replying “I think its farmand.”

I stare at him for a little bit and I can see the point when he realise what I just said.

“Do you mean what I think you mean?” he says the look of shock registering on his face.

I smile at him and he kind of shakes his head slightly before saying “you’re pregnant?”

“Yeah, I am” I say and the grin on his face erupts into pure happiness.

“We’re having a baby, seriously?” he says and I nod in response.

I’m dragged onto his lap and showered with kisses all over my face. I’m giggling so much I nearly wet myself from laughing.

“I love you so much” he says as he slows down his kissing feast on my face and ending it with a soft one to my lips.

“I love you too” I say him as he holds me tight.

“So you’ll have me back?” he asks me.

“I never let you go in the first place” I tell him before his lips meet mine again in a long steamy kiss that’s been absent for what feels like years.

His hands wind their way around my back and I turn my body to straddle his lap on the kitchen stool. Every thing I’m feeling, every emotion feels as though it has doubled now that we are together again.

We kiss each other until my lips are almost numb, savouring every taste, every sensation that I’ve missed for the last week or two. When Andy whispers in my ear that we should take ourselves to the bedroom I don’t hesitate in removing myself from his lap and dragging him with me.

Our touch is slow and savouring, taking our time to reacquaint ourselves thoroughly. When our clothes are gone and our skin touches it’s like a magnetic attraction, neither of us letting go. Our lovemaking is slow and tender and my heart pounds in my chest in anticipation of our climax. The sweat rolling down Andy’s face mingles with mine and our breaths are shared.

When we share our climax we whisper words of love to each other. I don’t want to sleep for fear that this was all a dream and I’m going to wake up alone in the morning but the increased hormones in my body from my pregnancy are playing havoc with my energy levels.

I’m guessing Andy has been missing sleep lately too because we drift off to sleep together, the last thing I remember was feeling incredibly contented and complete.

************************************************************

Andy’s Point of View

My sleep was the best I’ve had since leaving. I can feel Elle in my arms and I look down to see her face. She is sound asleep and snoring every so softly. I feel the smile on my face grow as I remember the moment she told me I was going to be a daddy. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy in my life as I was in that moment. The sheer joy, the emotional ecstasy that I felt at knowing we were going to have a baby was so overcoming I actually remember feeling light-headed.

I cuddle Elle tighter to my chest and daydream about our child and our future together. Half an hour later I can’t stand the pressure on my bladder any longer and I release my hold on my beautiful girl and slide myself out of bed and into the ensuite.

When I walk back out to the bedroom I crawl onto the bed and pull the covers back so I can snuggle under the doona with her again.

My mind suddenly alerts me to the dark stain on the sheets that I’m holding and my heart thunders in my ears. There is blood everywhere and I feel as though I’m going to throw up. I reach over to Elle and gently shake her, trying to rouse her out of her sleep but she’s not waking up.

“Elle, come on, wake up!” I’m practically shouting at her but there’s no response. I’m unsure what to do and I run out to the kitchen naked and grab my phone from the bench. Dialling 000 I run back to the bedroom and try to wake her again.

“Triple-o emergency, fire, police or ambulance?” the operator says in my ear.

“Ambulance” I practically shout as I’m shaking Elle’s shoulder trying not to look at the amount of blood on the sheets. An alarm seems to sound in my brain and I place my ear to her chest, trying to hear if she is breathing. I think I can hear her heart beating as a voice says in my ear “Ambulance, what is the nature of your emergency?”

“My girlfriend, I just woke up and she’s unconscious in bed next to me. There’s blood everywhere though” I manage to say.

“Do you know why she’s bleeding? Is there any obvious wounds?” the lady asks me.

“She’s pregnant, that’s the only thing I can think of” I reply holding Elle’s hand in mine and silently praying for a miracle.

“What’s your address sir?” she asks me and I proceed to give her the details that she asks.

She keeps me talking on the phone whilst an ambulance is on its way and when I hear it pull into the driveway I hang up the phone and grab some jeans. There’s a knock on the front door and as much as it kills me to leave her, I run and unlock the door, the two ambulance officers following me into the bedroom.

I stand and watch as they assess her and I notice that it’s only four thirty in the morning. I hope like hell that the kids don’t hear the commotion that’s happening and as they load Elle onto a stretcher and wrap her in a sheet I follow them out the door and into the back of the ambulance.

The ride is quick, it’s so early and there is no traffic to speak of. One of the officers sits with me and Elle in the back of the ambulance. He manages to get a drip on her and takes her blood pressure and temperature as well whilst asking me all sorts of questions but they are really like white noise to me.

I must have answered him on autopilot because before I know it we’ve arrived and I’m following the gurney into the hospital. I hear words like miscarriage and haemorrhage thrown around but my focus is solely on Elle.  Everything else is like a blur.

When the machine next to her bed begins to beep erratically I panic and scream out for a doctor to come. I watch as the nurses race around and push me out of the way. I try to hold her hand but it slips from my grasp. I watch in horror as her eyes flick open and she mouths my name before falling limply back on the bed.

I can’t hear anything as I’m pushed from the room by three nurses. They are saying things but there is a loud scream in my head that is reverberating in my brain, maybe it’s me. I’m pushed into the hallway but I can still see the doctor and nurses frantically working on Elle.

My heart is breaking and I feel as though I’m going to throw up or pass out. How the fuck could this be happening? Not now, not when we’ve finally got everything sorted out, not when we were becoming a family together.

I watch as they wheel the gurney past me and into the operating theatres. A nurse sits with me and tries to comfort me but I’m unresponsive.

Time moves slowly and I feel helpless and broken. The doctor comes out and takes me in the room again, this time there is no one else there except Elle.  I notice that there is no longer a drip in her arm and the machine that is connected to her pulse is sounding a low intermittent beep.

He sits me in a chair next to the bed and calmly tries to explain what happened. The only thing I manage to hear though is when he tells me that I should say goodbye now.

My lip trembles and I feel my body start to shake. It can’t end. Not like this. The doctor tells me that she may be able to hear me but there won’t be any physical response. The haemorrhage has resulted in major blood loss, which also caused a small stroke that I witnessed earlier and as a result she’s lost most of the functions of her brain. They tried to stop the internal bleeding but it was unsuccessful.

“She is only hanging on I think so that you can say your goodbye” the doctor says to me as he stands, placing a hand on my shoulder before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

I take several breathes, trying in vain to calm myself enough to make this count.

Taking her hand in mine I run my fingers over her palm whilst mentally composing my words.

“I’m glad I came back to you Elle. If nothing else, I’ll always be glad that I came back and we spent last night together. I love you so much” I manage to get out before the tears take over again.

Breathing deeply I wipe them away before leaning over and kissing her forehead. “Please don’t leave me. Without you I’m nothing” I whisper in her ear before kissing her lips softly. “Nothing at all” I manage to say before I hear the machine sound one long continuous beep.

Chapter twenty-nine

The news that Julie was back on the scene was a shock to the system. I can’t help but think she ultimately has something to do with all of this mess with Andy.

“So she’s staying at Shannon’s then?” I ask Shaun.

“Yeah, apparently she’s been there for a few weeks but he didn’t tell us since none of us can stand her anymore” Shaun tells me.

“Wait, so why would Andy stay there then?” Brooke asks, clearly unaware of this information as well. “She screwed everything up between Andy and Elle the last time she was in town.”

“I have no idea” Shaun replies, sitting back in his chair and picking up the last of his burger. “But he’s cranky as all fuck at the moment so I seriously doubt that he’s even knows she exists.”

My appetite has disappeared and I wrap the last of my sandwich up and throw it in the rubbish bin next to our table. I have no doubt in my mind that Julie is the root of this evil that has been making us all miserable.

Looking at her watch Brooke clears her throat before saying “Aren’t you supposed to be back at work now?”

I glance at the time and gasp. I’m already ten minutes late. “Oh shit, sorry guys I’ve got to go. Thanks for having lunch with me though, I’ll talk to you later on” I say as I stand quickly grabbing my bag and racing back to the shop.

“Sorry, sorry” I say as I walk in the door to Sandra. “I honestly had no idea I was running late, I’m so sorry” I say to Sandra but she just smiles and waves me off. “Let me go put my bag away and you can head off for lunch” I tell her, walking into the office.

I’m pulled up quickly by the appearance of a flower arrangement on my desk. I lean over and smell the beautiful mix of flowers before noticing the envelope with my name on it. I grab it and open it up, pulling a small note card out.

It’s blank with a single X on it.

I frown slightly and turn it over in my hands but there is nothing else on it.

How odd.

I walk back out to Sandra who is standing there smiling at me, obviously waiting for my reaction.

“So, who are they from?” she asks me.

I hold the card out to her and she frowns as well. “Wait, is that it? Who the hell would send such beautiful flowers and leave an X on a card?”

“I have no idea” I say to her as I take the card back from her outstretched hand.

“You don’t think it would be Andy?” she asks me.

“Flowers like these aren’t really his style, and why wouldn’t he sign it if it was though?” I reply.

“Maybe he just didn’t know what to say to you? Perhaps this is just his way of saying he’s thinking of you.”

I’m deep in thought when I realise that Sandra still hasn’t gone for lunch and I have more work that needs doing. “Why are you still here?” I say to her.

“Oh right, yeah, lunch. Okay, I’m going I’m going” she says grabbing her handbag from under the counter and heading for the door. “You ring me if you work out who it is, otherwise I’ll be back in an hour” she says as she opens the door and steps out on the sidewalk.

I smile to myself at her enthusiasm but then the smile fades when I start to wonder who would have sent them to me.

I grab my phone out and give Bradie a quick call hoping he might know something but he doesn’t answer. I leave him a voice message and go back to my work, hoping it will distract me enough to forget about the mysterious flowers.

By the time Sandra gets back I’m busy unpacking a box of stock that was delivered in her absence. She doesn’t mention the flowers and I’m grateful that she is distracted by the new lot of dragon lamps that have arrived.

When three o’clock arrives I grab my things, flowers included and hug Sandra goodbye before making the drive home.

On the way I pull to the side of the road when my phone rings and I realise its Matthew my lawyer.

“Hi Matt, what’s up?” I say as I answer the phone.

“Hello Elle, I’m just calling with some good news for you. It seems that the Piper’s have had a change of heart and have withdrawn the custody claim. Congratulations” he says.

“Oh terrific news, thank you so much Matthew” I say to him, as enthusiastically as I can.

“Why do I get the feeling that you already knew about this?” he says. I obviously should not be an actor.

“Ah, I might have already been told by Jim and Carol about it the other day actually. But thank you so much for ringing me and letting me know officially” I say to him.

“That’s fine Elle. I’m glad it’s worked out for you; custody battles are so messy most of the time. Well, I just thought you should know. I’ll let you go” he says to me.

“Sure thing Matthew and thanks again for the call” I say before hanging up.

I pull back onto the road and continue on home. I run the flowers inside and put them in a vase before starting my walk to the bus stop. I still haven’t heard from Bradie and his car is missing. I send him a quick text asking where he is as the bus pulls up.

The kids come flying off the bus, obviously happy its Friday and give me a hug. Their moods have been better since I spoke with them both and they are much more affectionate towards me now.

As we start to walk home my phone buzzes with a text message. It’s from Bradie.

In the city, sorting some band stuff out. I’ll call you when I’m on my way back.

I tuck the phone into my back pocket and listen as the twins tell me about their day.

The rest of the afternoon passes without incident, almost. The kids notice the flowers of course and ask who they are from. When I tell them it’s a bit of a mystery Lilly teases me about having a secret admirer whilst Max seems to get his nose out of joint about it. I guess he’s thinking they’re from Andy.

By the time Bradie phones I have dinner already made and on the table. I put his in the oven for when he gets home and the kids and I settle into a quiet evening.

Just after eight o’clock we hear Bradie’s car pull up out the front. Lilly races to the front door to open it for him and as soon as he steps inside she proceeds to tell him all about ‘Mum’s secret admirer’.

Bradie glances at me and smiles before sitting down at the table and listening to all of Lilly’s theory’s as he eats his dinner. When he’s finished it’s time for the kids to go to bed.

I can hear Bradie in the kitchen washing up his plate as I say goodnight to them both and tuck them in. I pass him in the hallway on his way to say goodnight and I give him a small smile. I have no doubt in my mind I’m about to be asked twenty questions about these flowers so I make my way to the couch to wait for his return.

Surprisingly he’s quite a while with the kids and by the time he’s sitting next to me I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps he doesn’t have some news of his own to share, judging by the look on his face.

“How was your day dear?” I ask him with a grin.

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours” he replies cheekily.

“You first” I say but he shakes his head no to me.

“Oh fine. Alright, let’s see. I had lunch with Shaun and Brooke today. Shaun let it slip where Andy is staying and I also know who else is staying there” I tell him.

A look of shock registers on his face. “So you know who we suspect of screwing with your lives then?” he says, to which I simply nod.

“Then when I got back to work someone had sent me a bunch of flowers, which Lilly told you all about, but with only an X on the card. You don’t know anything about this do you?” I ask him.

“Nope, not a thing. Maybe Andy sent them to you but he didn’t say anything to me about it. Who do you reckon did?” he replies.

“Andy is the only person who comes to mind to be honest, unless you were being nice to me but I would think you would have signed the card.”

“It wasn’t me, I swear” he says.

“Well, if it was Andy, why wouldn’t he have signed it?” I ask.

“I don’t know Elle.”

“Oh and my lawyer rang and told me that the custody petition has been formally withdrawn so that made my day a little special” I tell him.

“I’m glad to hear it. That must be such a huge weight off your shoulders” he says.

“Yeah it is. So come on, your turn” I say.

“Alright, the record label wants us to film a DVD on this tour in July. Sort of like a documentary on how we got started, places where we’ve played, things like that.”

“Really? That sounds awesome, I bet you’re thrilled at that” I say.

“Extremely, we spent all day mapping out what the structure is going to be like and who’s filming what and places we can go and people to interview. I’m really looking forward to this” he says.

We spend the rest of the evening on the couch talking about the DVD and eventually I go to bed around eleven.

Saturday morning we’re all up early for the kid’s soccer game. Bradie and I take them to the fields and spend the morning running up and down the sideline and helping out where we can. Their team wins and we have a celebratory lunch at Hungry Jacks with all the other kids and their parents. It’s a very busy and noisy afternoon and when the time come for me to take them over to Sarah and Tom’s place to stay the night I’m feeling a little exhausted.

Bradie and I have a drink before getting dressed in our costumes for Brooke’s surprise party. I’ve told him I’m driving as I’m not supposed to drink too much now that I’m on the anti-depressants.  We leave at just after six o’clock and make the twenty minute drive to Brooke’s parent’s house. We’ve been told to park in the next street over from theirs and to walk through the neighbouring park into the backyard.

There are already about sixty or so other people there and I wonder how the hell they are going to keep them all so quiet so that the surprise isn’t given away. Bradie and I mingle with everyone else; the usual crowd is all present except for Andy. I even notice that Shannon’s here and I begin to wonder if that tramp of a cousin of his has tagged along as well.  Surely she wouldn’t dare show her face considering none of us can tolerate her at all.

Suddenly Brooke’s dad appears and hushes everyone indicating that Brooke has arrived with Shaun. We all take our positions behind anything we can find, the huge boat being the most popular with a lot of the guys climbing in it and hiding.

We hear Shaun’s voice say the key sentence “I just wanted to show you something” and we all jump out and yell “Surprise!” at the top of our lungs. The look on Brook’s face is priceless, somewhere between complete shock and happiness. She turns to Shaun when she realises that he’s behind it all and playfully slaps his arm. We all have a giggle at that and people begin to step forward to give her their birthday wishes.

Brooke says thank you to just about everyone, Bradie and I included and dashes back inside with Shaun to change into her costume.  When they return Brooke looks absolutely gorgeous in her fairy costume. Shaun went with my idea of a sexy ‘True Blood’ character but decided on the werewolf Alcide instead. It suits him really well though and he and Brooke mingle in the crowd.

I spot Alice dressed as Goldilocks and I make my way through the sea of people to say hello. Bradie has followed me, apparently deciding not to let me out of his sight and we find some seats and sit down.

She leans into me and asks me how I’m going and if I’ve seen a doctor yet.  We settle into a long conversation about baby’s names and the potential they have for shaping the child’s life. Bradie tires of our conversation and decides to go and mingle with everyone else. At one point Shannon comes over and says hello and asks us both how we’ve been. We speak briefly with no mention of Andy’s stay at his place before he disappears into the crowd again.

Dinner is served as a buffet and we line up with plates in hand to grab something to eat. Whilst Alice and I are waiting we see a blonde walk in dressed like Ke$ha. When she sidles up to Shannon’s side both Alice and I realise its Julie.

I feel Alice’s hand on my shoulder, either as a comfort or as a symbol to say that she’s here for me. We move forward in the line and as I’m dishing potato salad on my plate I feel a tap on my shoulder.

Looking behind me I see Julie standing there. She smiles sweetly at me and says “Hello.”

Not wanting to stoop to her level I simply give her a slight smile before saying “Hi Julie how are you?”

“I’m surprised you’re talking to me” she says, her eyebrows disappearing under the mop that is her hair.

“Just being polite” I say before turning back around and continuing on with my dinner. A few moments later Alice leans into me and says very quietly “she’s gone.”

We make our way back to the seats to find Bradie waiting for us already with a plate loaded with food. He obviously saw Julie’s interaction with me and he asks me constantly if I’m okay. I reassure him that I’m fine and when we’ve finished eating he takes our plates to the bin for us.

“I’m just going to go to the toilet” I say to Alice and head inside the house.

After getting directions from Brooke’s dad I walk down the hall to the bathroom and toilet. As I’m washing my hands I look up to the mirror and watch as Julie steps in the room behind me.

I turn the taps off, grab the hand towel and dry my hands before turning around to look at the blonde bimbo before me.

“So how’s your perfect life and your perfect little family now that Andy wants nothing to do with you?” she says.

I allow myself a moment to digest what she’s saying. So many responses are going through my mind that I’m unsure how to reply. Instead I chose to simply stare at her, eyebrow raised in question.

She obviously expected a much bigger response from me because I can see the anger starting to form on her face.

I give up waiting for her to continue and push myself off the bathroom bench and walk past her to the door. As I’m stepping through the doorframe she decides to speak again.

“How does it feel to be dumped by a text? It must be wonderful to know that you meant that much to him that he couldn’t even phone you.”

I realise at that moment that she just confessed that it was her that sent that text. How else would she know about it? She has been the one behind this whole thing from the beginning. I feel the anger flood my senses as I turn and face her.

“Does it feel good?” she says looking real smug.

Before I know what I’m doing my hand is drawn into a fist and has connected with her cheekbone. She falls backward from the force of my strike and hits the tiled floor as Alice comes through the door behind me.

“Oh my God, are you alright Elle?” she says as I shake my hand by my side.

Brooke appears as well and they both ask me what happened. Julie is shouting things from the floor before Alice steps forward, towering over her and telling her to shut up.

After explaining that it was Julie that was behind everything, Alice is enraged and grabs her by the arms and marches her out the door. Brooke asks me again if I’m okay and I just nod, still reeling in anger.

Bradie rushes in and is immediately at my side. “I just saw Alice with Julie. Are you alright? You’re not hurt are you?” he asks as he throws an arm around my shoulders and his other hand on my belly.

I hear Brooke gasp and I realise that Bradie has slipped up. “You’re pregnant!” she exclaims.

I look at Bradie, vowing to remind him why these things need to be kept secret when Shaun wanders in too. Suddenly this little bathroom is very crowded.

“Did I just hear right? Did you deck Julie? And who’s pregnant?” he says.

Rolling my eyes skyward I pray for a bit of patience as I take a deep breath.

“You two are sworn to secrecy okay, but yes. I’m pregnant.”

“Holy fuck! Really? Congratulations” Shaun says as he hugs me to him. Brooke is quick to jump in on the hug and when they release me I’m thankful to be able to breathe again.

“I’m serious though, not a word to anybody. I very obviously haven’t told Andy yet and I don’t want him hearing about this on the grapevine” I say to them.

“Dude, you’re going to be an uncle!” Shaun says, holding his hand out to Bradie and giving him the awkward one-armed man-hug. They are grinning at each other and Brooke is smiling at me with a tear in her eye.

“Alright guys, lets get out of here” I say as I lead them all out of the bathroom and back to the party. As soon as I sit down Shannon appears before me, apologising profusely for his cousin’s behaviour yet again. I try to let him know that I don’t blame him in any way and he finally believes me and wanders off in search of another drink.

Figuring that tonight has just been a little too eventful for my liking I find Bradie with Alice and tell them that I’m heading home.

“I’ll come with you” he says. “Just let me finish this drink first.”

Noticing that he’s a little drunk something that doesn’t happen very often, I insist that he stay.

“I’ll drive him home Elle” Alice tells me and I feel relieved know that he’s taken care of.

I find Shaun and Brooke and say goodnight to them both before walking to my car parked in the next street.  I unlock the doors and climb in, grateful for the warmth since the chill in the air was starting to seep through my Nun’s costume.

I pull the habit off my head and put it on the seat next to me as I start the car and head home. It’s a little after midnight and when I’m halfway there my phone rings beside me. Glancing at the display I pull to the side of the road.

“Yes Bradie” I say as I answer it.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Are you home yet?” he says

“Halfway there. I’ll text you when I arrive DAD!” I say to him and he laughs.

“You’d better or I’ll send a search party out for you” he replies.

“Alright, night Bradie” I say as I hang up the phone.

Pulling back on the road I continue on, singing along to the radio as I go. I flex my hand a few times and realise that it’s starting to swell a little. I’ll have to remember to ice it when I get home.

I pull into the driveway and turn the car off as my phone buzzes with a text.

“Are you there yet?”

It’s from Bradie again. I quickly type a reply to let him know I’ve just arrived and I push send before grabbing the habit from the passenger seat and exiting the car. I push the remote lock button on my key ring as I make my way to the front door.

As I lift my head I have a moment of shock as I realise that someone is sitting on my doorstep.

Andy looks up at me and gives me a slight smile.

Chapter twenty-eight

I awake to the alarm on Thursday morning and sit up and stretch. After going to the bathroom and getting myself dressed I head out to the kitchen to make a cuppa. Bradie is still asleep on the couch and I try not to make too much noise in the kitchen. I grab my phone and check it for messages but there is none.

Grabbing my coffee off the bench I walk out the back door and listen to the birds whilst sipping my drink.  It’s now two days until the party and I still don’t know if I’m going to go or not. I really should go to help keep my friendship with Brooke and just avoid any confrontations with Andy if he turns up but I really just don’t want to deal with public awkwardness and arguments.

I’m halfway through my coffee when I see Bradie’s face appear at the kitchen window. I give him a little wave and he smiles and waves back.  A minute or so later and he walks through the back door with a steaming cup of tea in his hand and sits opposite me.

“Morning” he says to me as he sips his tea.

“Good morning” I say as I watch him put his cup down and slowly turn it between his hands. He’s slightly frowning and I fear he’s about to give me some bad news. The way he keeps glancing at me, like he’s trying to gauge my mood is troubling.

I take another mouthful of my coffee and eye him over my cup before just giving in and saying “okay, what’s wrong?”

He takes another sip of his tea and I have a sudden urge to rip the cup from his hands.

Taking a deep breath he says “well, as you know, I saw Andy yesterday.”

I nod my head, not allowing the words to escape my mouth.

“He didn’t turn up to practice until late so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him really all morning. And then at lunch time he said he had something to do so he nicked off before I could corner him. Even Shaun was going to have a few words with him but I think he realised and that’s why he left. Anyhow, he didn’t get back until after two and by that time we were way behind on practice.”

“Bradie, its okay you know. You didn’t have to talk to him about us” I tell him but he holds a hand up to silence me.

“I had to try Elle. For your sake, for his sake and for the sake of your baby, I had to talk to him.”

I nod silently and stare at my cup.

“Lewis and Shannon turned up about an hour before practice ended and he was chatting to them a lot. So when we finally finished Shaun and I cornered him before he had a chance to nick off again. He looked like he wanted to make a break for it but after we told Lewis and Shannon we needed to talk about the band they left. Shaun started in on him first, getting up him for being late and not pulling his weight. I really wasn’t listening to everything he said though. But when Shaun was finished I asked him for some privacy and Andy and I sat down and had a bit of a chat.”

“What did you say to him?” I ask Bradie.

“Well, I did ask him if he had anything to say for himself and he told me to fuck off and mind my own business. I figured he would anyhow. So when I asked him why he was doing it he wouldn’t answer me at all. Then when I told him how cowardly and callous it was to end everything in the form of a text message he just looked confused.”

“What do you mean, he looked confused?” I ask, my heartbeat suddenly picking up.

“Well exactly that. He had no idea what I was talking about. When I told him what I could remember about it he just seems stunned. He swears black and blue he didn’t send it to you.”

Oh wow. There’s that glimmer of hope again. “Do you believe him?” I ask, trying not to let the emotions show on my face.

“Yeah, I do. He showed me his phone. He never deletes his messages and it wasn’t in his sent folder, so who ever sent it has deleted it so he wouldn’t even know about it.”

“But what does this mean though?” I ask Bradie, unsure of what his answer will be.

“Andy and I had a long talk about everything. I can kind of understand where he’s coming from you know. He really is just trying to do what’s best for you and the twins by staying away and making sure they’re not exposed to any negative publicity that could come from him.”

“By making us miserable in the process? How is that helping us?” I almost whine to him.

“Look Elle, Andy told me where he has been staying for the last few days and we think we’ve worked out who’s behind all of this. The newspaper leaks, the information given to Dean’s parents, even the text. Just give us a little more time to get some proof. If we can get this sorted out then I don’t think there’ll be any excuse that Andy can come up with to be apart from you guys, especially when you tell him you’re going to be starting a family together.”

“Really? Who do you think it is?” I ask him, leaning forward over the table in anticipation. I want to know who set out to ruin our lives like this and get a little bit of retribution back on them.

“I can’t say anything at the moment, Andy made me promise to keep it to myself, but it won’t be long until we can get what we need. I promise you, you’ll be the first person who knows” he says to me, reaching out and taking my hand in his.

“Alright, I trust you Bradie. But you must tell me as soon as you know” I say.

“I promise” he says squeezing my hand. “Another thing, Andy said he wasn’t going to Brooke’s party on Saturday night so we can go looking at costumes today if you feel up to going?”

I nod my head as I hear the kids inside arguing in the kitchen. I grab my now empty cup and stand. “Come on, breakfast time” I say to Bradie as we go inside to start the day.

After we’ve returned home from the bus stop Bradie ducks next door quickly to see his Mum whilst I finish doing my morning chores. By the time he’s back I’m ready to head to the costume store to find something for this party on Saturday night.

We take my car and park in the main street of town. There are two possible costume hire places we can try and I figure I might as well pick up some groceries whilst I’m here too. My duties as a Mother and the head of the house have been seriously lacking since last Friday and I really do need to pull my finger out and get organised.

We visit both stores, finally deciding on the priest and nun costumes. Only we would know the inside joke about the nun outfit on a pregnant woman, but at least it will keep a smile on my face throughout the night.

When we’re done we grab some lunch and then hit Woolworths to do some shopping. A few people say hello to us and I realise I’m beginning to settle into life here in Budegewoi. I’m comfortable in my new surrounds and I enjoy the people who I now call my friends. Whatever happens as far as Andy is concerned, I know I will stay here to raise our child, with or without him by my side.

Bradie informs me later at home after helping me carry my things in that I really should make a doctors appointment to get checked out.  I phone the surgery and make a time for Monday afternoon. 

That evening, when we’re sitting on the couch watching the TV I start to wonder how I’m going to tell the kids that they’re going to have a new sibling. I think they will both eventually love the idea of it but I just know that Max is going to get angry when he finds out. I’ve noticed the last couple of days that he is losing his temper at lightening speed at anyone.

When the twins are tucked in bed I leave Bradie on the couch watching a movie whilst I sit at the kitchen table in front of my laptop. I haven’t checked my mail in days and figure I had better catch up now since I’ll be working tomorrow.

There’s the usual junk, frequent flyer updates, an email from my parents and another from Matt. I’m surprised to see that there is one from Jim and Carol that was only sent this afternoon and I immediately open it.

It reads:

Dear Elle,

Firstly, thank you for your email. You were right, we were told not to make contact with you but going against the lawyer’s wishes was certainly a good idea. I had no idea of the trauma we were putting you and the twins through by doing this.

I want to explain that this was not our idea; it was a suggestion by our lawyer when we asked about possibly getting visitation rights. I believe he misunderstood what we wanted and took things too far too quickly. I wanted dearly to phone you and let you know what the purpose and reasoning behind all of this was but was told not to.

Jim and I have contacted our lawyer and asked for the petition to be withdrawn. We have not heard back from him at this stage but I promise you that it will be done.

I am so very sorry for the pain we have caused you and hope that deep in your heart you will realise that this was never done out of malice or spite, but simply because we love our grandchildren and you.

Please forgive us.

Jim and Carol

Tears blur my vision and I heave a sigh of relief. Bradie’s head appears over the back of the couch. “Are you alright?” he says and I smile big at him.

“I’m great” I say with enough happiness to make him stand from watching his movie and make his way over to me.

“What’s going on?” he asks me as I push the laptop around so he can see the screen. He silently reads the email that is displayed before bending over and hugging me tight. Tears of joy stream from my eyes as I realise that the nightmare is over.

“This is brilliant news Elle. I’m so happy for you” he says with a huge grin.

“It’s over” I say quietly to myself as I realise the gravity of this news. Andy doesn’t have a reason to not be with me now. The case is being withdrawn, there’s no chance of losing the kids. I am itching to phone him but Bradie seems to sense it and says “not just yet Elle. Let’s work out who started all this crap in the first place.”

I smile at him, amazed how attuned we have become to each other. “There’s another one here from my lawyer anyhow that I should probably read.”

“I’m going back to my movie and giving you some privacy, yell if you need me” he says before wandering back to the couch. I open the email and glance through it, it says nothing really of interest and he clearly hasn’t been advised of the withdrawal yet so I continue to skim through the rest of my emails. When I’m finished and up to date I shut my laptop down but not before leaving a little tweet of a smiley face on twitter.

I put everything away and join Bradie in the lounge room, sitting back and watching the rest of the movie with him. When it’s over, I say goodnight with a cuddle and head into bed. My mind is going a hundred miles an hour thinking about all the possible things that could occur in the next couple of days. I could be holding Andy this time tomorrow for all I know. Lost in daydreams and fantasies I finally let sleep wash over me.

When I get into work the next morning Sandra immediately notices my smile and corners me in the office.

“Okay, update me right now” she says, placing both her hands on my shoulders.

I quickly fill her in on the latest news and she hugs me tightly. “I’m so glad that’s over” she says in my ear.

“Me too” I reply, holding her close. Again I’m so very grateful to have such fantastic friends that love and support me though these horrid things.

When she releases me I turn to the desk and set myself up for the day.

I receive a text from Vicki just after I start work to let me know that she’s arrived safely. She asks if there’s any news and I relay the new information to her, earning a ‘fuck yeah, that’s great’ in reply. I smile to myself as I’m still surprised by the odd friendship we’ve developed between us recently.

Mid-morning she reappears to let me know she’s doing a coffee run so I push myself back from the desk and walk out to the counter to cover for her whilst she’s gone. I’m flicking through the magazine that she keeps under the counter when I hear the front door open and close. Looking up I see Shaun and Brooke making their way to the counter.

They both smile at me as I greet them good morning.

“How are you guys today?” I ask them both.

“Great, how are you doing?” Shaun asks me, a little surprised by my chirpiness.

“I’m just fine” I say.

“What’s gotten you so happy this morning?” Brooke asks me.

I tell them about the court case being withdrawn and they both hug me in congratulations.

“That is wonderful news Elle” Brooke says when she releases me.

“Have you told Andy yet?” Shaun asks me as I step back behind the counter.

“No, not yet. Not sure that he’d take my call anyhow. Think I’ll just wait until I hear from him again and then let him know.”

“I don’t understand. Isn’t that the reason he left though? Because he thought this was all because he was in the picture?” Brooke says.

“I’m told it’s a little more complicated than that but I’m hoping he’ll listen to reason when I let him know” I reply.

“Do you want me to call him?” Shaun says but I shake my head in reply.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll tell him soon. Right now I’m just too excited that it’s over with” I tell them both.

“Hey, how about we have lunch together today? We have a couple of things to do but we should be back by twelve.”  Brooke says.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll see you when you get back” I say to them, mindful not to mention the surprise party, as they turn and leave as Sandra comes in.

She says a quick hello to them both before handing me my coffee which I readily accept.

I go out the back and continue on with my work until lunch time rolls around. Shaun and Brooke appear right on twelve o’clock and we head across the road to the deli to eat.

We talk about Brooke’s birthday coming up and I ask her if she has any plans for celebrating it to try to throw her off the scent. She tells me that they are having a family dinner but maybe we might all go out clubbing the following weekend together instead.

Shaun tells me about seeing Andy at practice on Wednesday and tells me that he tried to talk some sense into him. What surprises me though is that he lets it slip that Andy is staying with Shannon at the moment.

“So he’s camping out in Shannon’s spare room is he?” I say, as casually as I can.

“Yeah, he’s in the stock room for our Horeur stuff. Apparently Julie is staying with Shannon as well and has the other spare room” he says.

I swear my eyebrows touch my hairline as I sit back in shock. “I’m sorry, did you just say that Julie was staying there as well?” I reply.

Chapter twenty-seven

Tuesday morning sees a better start to the day for me. I feel renewed and keen to set things right. I’m up at six-thirty, showered, dressed and in the kitchen making breakfast by the time Bradie wakes on the couch. The kids climbing on him may have helped rouse him from his sleep.

When he walks in to the kitchen I hand him a cup of tea and smile.

“Morning” I say to him.

“Morning, you’re up early” he says taking a sip of the hot beverage.

“Yeah, kind of wanted to get a decent start to the day for a change” I reply.

 “Well you certainly look better this morning” he says, taking a seat at the kitchen bench.

“Thanks. I just figured nothing is going to change if I don’t start trying to change it myself.”

“I was thinking that maybe I should talk to Andy tomorrow at practice. Maybe try to get him to see a bit of sense?” Bradie says.

“As nice as that would be at the moment, it’s probably not the best idea. He said it himself that it’s over. But I do appreciate it Bradie, please don’t think I don’t.”

“Okay, but if he asks me how you are, I’m not going to make out that your fine. He needs to know what he’s doing to you all.”

I nod in silence, having already assumed that he would have a go at him anyway. “You’re not going to mention” I pause for a moment. “You know, the baby are you?”

“Of course not Elle. That’s up to you when you tell him. But just a little bit of advice. Probably best if you don’t wait too long. If there’s one thing I have learned from the past it’s don’t wait until the last minute when it comes to Andy.”

“Thanks for the advice” I say to him and he smiles in reply.

I put the French toast I’ve made onto plates and put it on the table, calling out to the twins as I go.

We all sit and have breakfast and afterwards I send the kids to get dressed for school.

I clean up whilst Bradie has a shower and gets dressed.

“I’m running out of clean clothes” he says as he comes back out. “How about you come home with me after we walk the kids to the bus stop so I can do some laundry and get some things organised for tomorrow?”

“Yeah okay, we have some time to kill before we go out with Vicki anyhow. It will be nice to catch up with Sarah too” I say before hanging the tea towel up and calling out to the kids.

When we are on our way back from the bus stop Bradie and I talk about Brooke’s birthday party and I ask him if he’s come up with a costume yet.

He has a bit of a chuckle and says “I thought about going as a priest but I don’t really know for sure. I’m going to go and look at what’s available on Thursday.”

“That would be funny” I reply. An idea suddenly striking me I say to him “if I go with you, I’ll dress as a nun. What do you think?”

He starts laughing at me as we walk up the driveway to his home, grabbing the bag of dirty clothes he left at the bottom of my driveway before.

“Now that would be pretty funny” he says.

As our laughter dies down and we approach the front door I ask him quietly “do you think Andy will be going?”

He glances at me before opening the door for me. “I have no idea but I’ll find out tomorrow for you okay? I take it if he’s going then you probably won’t?”

“Yeah, I don’t think it would be a good idea if we were both there. Things would get awkward real fast.”

I follow him inside and down the hall to the kitchen.

“Mum, I’m home” he sings out and we hear a reply from down towards Chris’ room.

“I’ll be back in a minute okay” Bradie says to me as he heads down the hallway to the laundry.

I pull out a stool at the bench and take a seat. I quietly drum my fingernails on the bench top whilst I wait and stare around the kitchen.

There’s a pile of unopened mail on the end of the bench and as I hear Sarah come down the hallway I notice that Andy’s name is on the top envelope.

“Hey Elle, how are you?”

“I’m okay thanks Sarah. Hi Chris” I say to the little guy on Sarah’s hip. He gives me a shy smile before Sarah puts him down on the ground. He runs into the playroom and disappears.

“You look much better today” Sarah says to me.

I return her smile and say “thanks, I’m feeling a bit better too.”

“So what are your plans today?”

“Bradie and I are going out to lunch with Vicki. I think he’s just picking up some more clothes and doing some washing” I reply.

“Yeah, I saw him in the laundry sorting his stuff out. He’s so pedantic about separating the colours” she says.

I giggle at that comment, thinking how true it probably is.

I look over at Sarah and she’s smiling back at me. “It’s nice to see you smiling. I spoke to Andy this morning too. He sounds miserable at best but he still won’t listen to me. He won’t even tell me where he’s staying. I think he’s afraid I’m going to come and find him and drag his skinny little ass back home again” she says.

I take a breath and look away before looking back at her again. “It’s okay Sarah. When he’s ready he’ll talk to me about this I’m sure, but in the mean time I guess we’ll all just have to wait.”

She grabs my hand and squeezes it as I look at her face. “He’s worth waiting for” I tell her with a small smile.

“You are such a strong woman” Sarah says as Bradie comes in behind me.

He puts an arm around my shoulder and says “what’s going on?”

“Nothing darling, I was just telling Elle how much I admire her strength.”

“Morning everyone” Vicki says as she walks into the kitchen as well. “You two are a bit early aren’t you?” she says, unaware of the moment that just passed.

“I just had to get some washing done and grab some new clothes as well” Bradie replies.

“Oh okay. I was going to suggest that we go down to Tuggerah for lunch and maybe go to the movies or shopping afterwards if you guys wanted to” Vicki says.

“Or we can go to Westfield and just wander around all day?” Bradie says.

“That sounds good to me” I say and Vicki nods in agreement.

“I’ll just wait for this load of washing to finish and then we’ll go” Bradie says.

“Leave that, I’ll do it” Sarah tells him.

“Thanks Mum” Bradie says with a grin. “Don’t mix my colours up though okay?” he says.

“I won’t, now get out of here please” Sarah says with a smile.

“I’m going to go home and get changed” I say as Bradie heads down the hall and Vicki pours her coffee. “I’ll be back in half an hour okay?”

“No worries” Vicki says as I wave and head out the door.

I go back home and hang out the washing I had done earlier on and then get changed. Looking in the mirror I see bags and red eyes reflected back at me. I grab my make-up bag and try to do the best I can with my features. When I’m done I look almost normal and I pack up my mess.

I grab my phone, checking for any new messages, and then my bag before heading next door again.

Bradie and Vicki are on the front step waiting for me and they both stand as I approach.

“Ready to go?” Bradie asks me.

“Yep, lets get out of here” I reply and we all climb in his car.

We chat amongst ourselves on the twenty minute drive to Westfield Shopping and Vicki tells me all about the planned trip she’s taking tomorrow.  When we reach the centre we park the car and climb out.

Spending the morning shopping and chatting with these two has really taken my mind away from my problems. We purchase silly little gifts for each other to remember the day with and then find a nice bistro to have lunch at. Sitting at an outdoors table we eat and even have a few laughs.

Afterwards we stroll around again, taking in all the sights and sounds and watch the varieties of people from all walks of life. At quarter to three we make our way back to the car to make sure we get home in time for the kids.

On the drive home Vicki’s phone rings, glancing at the display she quietly answers it putting her hand to her spare ear to block out Bradie’s and my off-key singing.

A couple of minutes later she ends the call, glances at Bradie and turns in her seat to face me. “That was Andy wishing me luck for my assignment.  He said he’ll catch up with me next time I’m in town.”

“Oh, okay” I reply, unsure of what else I can say to that.

“He also asked me how you were doing.”

“What did you tell him?” I ask her.

“I said you were just barely coping and that he is the biggest cockhead on the planet for thinking that what he’s doing is the right thing.”

“I bet that went down well with him” I say.

“He knows I tell it like it is. If he doesn’t like it then that’s his problem, not mine. But I’m telling you now, if he hasn’t sorted this shit out by the time I’m back, I’m going to smack him across the head so hard.”

“Thanks Vicki” I say with a small smile.

“Hey, what are friends for?” she replies.

The conversation lulls and we ride the rest of the way home in silence. My thoughts are swirling around the fact that Andy asked about me. He still cares, even if he thinks we can’t be together.

When we pull up at the house Vicki takes her bags next door and tells us she’ll be back later on to say goodbye to us all. Bradie and I carry our bags in the house before walking slowly to the bus stop.

The kids arrive and we hug them hello. I wave to Denise the bus driver as she pulls away and we walk back home again. The kids tell us all about their day and Max cons Bradie into playing a bit of soccer in the backyard when we get home.

Lilly helps me with dinner and when Vicki knocks just after five o’clock the kids are inside watching cartoons and Bradie and I are sitting at the kitchen bench talking quietly.

“I’ve come to say goodbye. There are a few other people I have to go and see and I don’t know how late I’ll be getting back so I wanted to say goodbye to the kids first” Vicki tells us.

We all wander into the lounge and the kids hug Vicki goodbye. She gives them both a little gift bag and tells them not to open it until she has gone which they both promise to do.

We walk out the front door and she gives Bradie a hug and says goodbye to him, albeit awkwardly. Turning to me she holds her arms out and cuddles me tight.

“Let me know how you are okay? I want to know what’s happening with that little mini-Andy growing inside of you” she says quietly in my ear.

“I will” I reply giving her a squeeze before letting go.

“And if you work out who the hell was tipping off the newspaper and causing all this mayhem, tell me and I’ll take care of them for you” she says.

I grin at her and say “not before I get to them first.”

“See you guys” she says as she walks next door.

Bradie and I go back to the kitchen and he sits as I prepare dinner for us all.

It’s a quiet evening in the house but it feels a lot more comforting that what it has done these last few nights. Tomorrow however is another day.

I’m woken by the alarm and crawl out of bed. Sleep was eluding me last night and I feel terrible this morning. I make my way out to the kitchen after showering and cleaning myself up.

Bradie is snoring softly on the lounge and I smile at him as I walk by.

I switch the kettle on and lean against the bench waiting of it to boil. The sound of Bradie’s phone ringing from behind me startles me a bit and I turn and look at it. The caller id says Andy and I’m unsure of whether to answer it or not. Bradie hasn’t moved from the couch and I cradle the phone to my ear as I push the green button.

“Hello” I say very softly.

I hear nothing and pull the phone away to check if the call is still connected. It is so I listen again.

“Elle, Is Bradie there?” I hear Andy’s voice and my heart skips about five beats. When I recover I find my voice and reply quietly “he’s still sleeping.”

I hear his breath inhale quickly and I realise that what I said could be misconstrued. “I mean, he’s still on the couch snoring” I add quickly.

There’s a pause I can hear Andy’s breaths. “Ask him to call me when he gets up please?” he says.

“I will” I reply, unsure of if I’m allowed to say anymore.

“Are you alright?” Andy says to me, the concern radiating in his voice.

“I’m doing okay, I guess. How are you?” I reply, surprised at the civility of this conversation.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll survive” he says.

There is a pause as I wonder if I’m allowed to speak some more when he says “I’ve got to go. Take care of yourself Elle.”

“Andy, wait” I sputter out but it’s too late. The line is dead and he’s gone.

I put the phone back on the bench and lean heavily against the edge. Hanging my head I take deep breaths to steady myself and when I lift my head I hear movement from behind me.

“Are you okay Elle?” Bradie asks, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he enters the kitchen.

“Yeah” I reply. “Andy just called your phone. He’d like you to ring him please.”

“Did he upset you? What did he say?” Bradie asks me, immediately jumping to my defence.

“Nothing, he was fine. I just miss him, that’s all” I say, sounding a lot calmer that what I feel.

Bradie wraps his arms around me and hugs me tight. When he releases me he grabs his phone and walks out the back door, presumably to call Andy.

When he comes back in he says “he only wanted to make sure that you weren’t going to come to practice.”

I nod my head, thinking that I understand where he’s coming from.

The kids get up soon after and the morning routine sets in.

By the time the kids are on the bus and Bradie has his kit packed in his car, I’m ready to go into work to see Sandra.  I’m going to end up tearing my hair out if I have nothing to do all day and it’s the only thing I can think of.

After promising Bradie I’d call him if I needed him, I drive to work and greet Sandra as I walk in the door. She immediately drops her pen and gives me a tight hug.

“Bradie told me what has happened. I’m so sorry honey, how are you holding up?” she says.

“I’m okay; just need something to keep me occupied at the moment though. Any chance I can work from the back office today?” I ask her.

“Yeah sure thing, I’ll move my stuff out of the way so you can set up you things” she says as we both walk out the back.

Sandra spends the whole day ensuring that I’m never left with nothing to do and by the time three o’clock comes around I’m mentally exhausted from the work I’ve been doing.

I tell her I’ll be in on Friday as I leave and make the drive home again. Getting the kids from the bus stop I decide to take them next door to see Sarah and spend the afternoon playing with Chris.

When my phone rings just before five I answer it to hear Bradie’s voice. He only speaks briefly, saying that he won’t be home until late and not to wait up for him. I tell him where the spare key is and hang up the phone, relaying the conversation to Sarah.

She invites us to stay for dinner, now that Bradie won’t be back and I readily accept. I’m feeling tired from working so hard to keep busy today and when eight o’clock comes around I have no hesitation in saying goodnight to her and Tom and Chris and taking the twins home to bathe and sleep.

At nine o’clock I’m curled up in bed under the doona, once again wishing that my spare pillow had a heartbeat and a Maurice tattoo.

Sleep eventually finds me and I wake ever so briefly at eleven when Bradie gets home. I feel his lips press to my forehead before I roll over and go back to sleep.

The email to Jim and Carol

Dear Jim and Carol,

Firstly I’d like to thank you for opening this email and reading it. I’m aware that your lawyer would have told you to have no contact with me so I appreciate your time.

I’m writing to you to plead that you do not go through with this custody challenge, please.  I know you are not vindictive or spiteful people and have always trusted my judgement where my children are concerned. I appreciate that you have stayed supportive of me even after Dean and I separated.

I know you have met Andy and at the time, I was under the impression that you approved of him. He was a rock to me through Dean’s sickness and was there to help the kids and me through the mourning of their father.

Please understand, Andy is a wonderful and loyal man, who has without a doubt had some troubled times in his past. But the only reason that any of his indiscretions are a concern is that he has lived these last few years in the public eye. Since we met however, he has received little to no publicity as you may have noticed when researching your claims of morality and anger issues.

He loves Max and Lilly with all his heart and treats them as though they are the most precious children on the planet. His love for me is more than I could ever deserve and want. I don’t understand why you would want to remove the twins from the loving home they now have.

I have the feeling that you may have been misled or perhaps even been directed to some past poor publicity. For the kids sake, as well as my own, please do not do this. Their lives have been marred with enough upheaval and tragedy for any adult to undertake, let alone a pair of seven year olds.

I won’t be releasing the children to your care voluntarily and surely you realise that your chances of gaining custody are very slim. The only thing you will be gaining by continuing with this course of action is the satisfaction that you have made Max and Lilly’s lives even more complicated. Andy and I can handle the pressure and stress from this, but they can’t.

Please, I beg of you, don’t do this to Max and Lilly. If you wish to see the twins, just ask. There is no reason to do this to them.

Elle. 

Chapter twenty-six

On Monday morning I’m assuming Bradie took care of everything, the breakfasts, the school lunches, the kids on the bus, and notifying work for me. I lay in bed, curled up in the foetal position until he comes in and lifts me up and takes me to the couch.

“You have to eat Elle. Remember you need to keep your strength up. You can’t give up now” he tells me but it’s just words.

Words that mean nothing to me.  Andy’s not coming back. What’s the point to any of this? Why did I bother buying the house, setting up our future together if he’s just going to throw it away?

I have no strength and I’m not talking to anyone. My mp3 player is my best friend suddenly and I listen until it runs flat. I can’t bear to hear the sympathies and the pity that everyone will give. Sarah arrives with Vicki at some point and they hug me and try to get me to eat but I don’t want to comply.

By late afternoon the kids are home and I’m hiding in the bedroom again. Vicki is looking after them and Bradie is sitting with me watching TV on my bed. I’m not even sure of what he’s watching but when my phone buzzes beside me he reaches over and grabs it. I don’t even flinch. There’s no one I want to talk to at the moment and I really couldn’t give two shits if Bradie fields my calls for me.

He glances at me and stands and walks out of the room before answering the phone. I’m lost in my own little world again until he returns. I have no idea how long he’s been gone but in that time I’ve managed to scratch a hole into the back of my hand.

Bradie immediately sees it and grabs a tissue from the bedside table to stem the bleeding.

“What are you doing to yourself?” he says in a whisper. I look to his face and I can see the pain I’m causing him reflected back in his eyes.

“I’m sorry” I whisper to him.

“Oh Elle, its okay” he says before wrapping me in his arms again and holding me tight. I’m numb and have no emotions left. I simply become like a limp rag-doll and lay there in his arms until he releases me.

“That was your lawyer on the phone. He said that he has some news for you but wouldn’t relay it to me. I told him you weren’t very well at the moment and he said he’d email you instead. Is that okay?” Bradie asks me.

I nod slowly and lean my head back against the pillow. Bradie is staring at me and then releases a loud sigh.

“Sweetie, you need to eat. You have to look after yourself, even if it’s just for the sake of the twins” he says very gently to me.

I keep my focus on the mark that is now embedded in the back of my hand.  I hear his words and they seem to seep into the fog in my brain. He’s right of course. I should be thinking about Max and Lilly at the moment, not about myself and my broken heart. 

I raise my eyes to look at Bradie and realise what a rock he’s been. If he wasn’t here, I would have given up completely. Then the twins would have no one.

“Thank you” I softly say to him, “for everything. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here for me.”

“Elle, I would do anything for you. All I want is for you to be happy and healthy again” he says placing his hand to my face and lifting it to look at him squarely.

The look he is giving me is one of concern but I can see the tenderness in his eyes. For just the smallest moment I wonder what it would be like to kiss him. What would my life have been like if it had been Bradie who had asked me out first instead of Andy? Would it have been better or worse? There would probably be no court case, no drama, just everything picture perfect. But do I love Bradie? Does my heart skip a beat every time I see him?

I place my hand on his and smile gently. I do love Bradie, just not with the passion and intensity I feel for Andy. It’s a different kind of love.

“It’s so nice to see you smile” he whispers to me, letting a smile of his own appear.

He rubs his thumb on my cheek before leaning forward and kissing my forehead gently.

There’s a knock on the door followed by Vicki’s voice saying “Can I come in?”

Bradie pulls back and stands and opens the door for Vicki. She glances at him before looking over at me.

“Hey Elle, how are you feeling?” she asks me.

I manage a smile for her and reply “a little better I think.”

“That’s great. How about you have a shower and get cleaned up for dinner?” she says to me before turning and facing Bradie. “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

“Yeah sure” he says before looking over and smiling at me.

I start to climb out of bed as Bradie shuts the door behind him and Vicki as they leave the room.

I do the blind walk through the wardrobe and into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Stepping into the warm water I start to have a mental conversation, ending with me telling myself to pull my head in and harden up.

By the time I’m out and dressed in some clean clothes I’m feeling a bit better. I need to push this whole heartbreak mess to the back of my head and focus on my family.

I walk over to the bed and make it quickly, deciding to change the sheets tomorrow morning. I tidy up the bedside table, grabbing an empty glass and plate and make my way out to the kitchen.

Vicki and Bradie are dishing up dinner and the kids are at the table waiting. I smile at them both before going into the kitchen to offer some help.

“Its fine Elle, we’ve got it” says Bradie.

“Alright then, I’ll go and sit with the kids” I say as I walk over and take a seat at the table.

“How was school?” I ask them, the first words I’ve spoken to them since last night.

“It was fine” says Max, keeping his head low. I look to Lilly and she simply shrugs.

“What’s wrong honey?” I ask her but she just mumbles ‘nothing’ and keeps her face turned from mine.

“Hey, everything will be okay” I say to her, reaching for her hand but she pulls it away and puts it in her lap.

Bradie and Vicki come to the table; their hands loaded with plates as they put them down and have a seat.

I’m a little hurt by Lilly’s response to me but I really should expect it. I’ve ignored them both for the last twenty-four hours, caught up in my own little dramas and haven’t even thought to say hello to them.

We eat dinner quietly and when we’ve finished Max stands and declares he’s going for a bath. Lilly follows him down the hallway to her bedroom and closes the door.

I’m left sitting at the table by myself as Vicki and Bradie clear the dishes. I stand and walk into the kitchen, taking a seat at the bench on one of the bar stools.

“I’ve been a horrible Mum haven’t I?” I say to no one in particular.

“Not at all” Vicki replies. “They’re just both upset that he’s left. It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, you have your own stuff to deal with as well Elle. If you don’t sort yourself out first you’ll be of no use to the kids in the long run. They’ll be fine” Bradie says.

“I did need to talk to you though about a note that came home from school today” Vicki says. “I think Max was too afraid to show you or Bradie though.”

“What happened?” I ask holding my hand out for the piece of paper Vicki is handing me.

“Seems he got a detention for fighting” she says as I scan the letter from the school. The last time this happened was when someone insulted Andy. I wonder what set him off this time. It’s time to pull it together so I can talk to him about it.

“Can you hand me that pen please?” I ask and Bradie passes it to me. I sign the bottom of the note to verify that I’ve read it before putting it back on the bench.

“Okay, I’ll have a talk to him in a minute. Has Lilly spoken to either of you?” I ask them.

They both shake their heads no.

She’s retreating into her shell again. I need to stop her now before it gets too far again and she flat out refuses to speak at all.

“I’m going to go and have a word with them both” I say as I stand up.

“Are you alright by yourself or do you want me to come with you for support?” Bradie asks me.

“I think I’ll be okay but thanks Bradie” I say as I wander towards Lilly’s room. I knock on her door and slowly open it. I put my head in and she is sitting on the bed, her legs crossed, book in hand.

“Can I come in?” I ask her. She nods in response and I come in and close the door behind me.

I sit down on the bed but she continues to look at her book.

“Honey, can you put the book down for a minute please? I need to talk to you.”

She puts a bookmark in it and closes it, her head still hanging.

“I know I haven’t been around much the last couple of days and I’m really very sorry for that. I’ve been really sick and I didn’t want to let you see me like that.”

She glances up at my face and back to her lap again.

“Honey, I’m really upset that Andy has gone, and I can see that you and Max are too. He didn’t mean to hurt us all like this, please understand that. It’s just that he thinks that we should have someone else to be a part of our family and not him.”

The look on Lilly’s face can only be described as confused. “But that’s dumb.”

“I know honey, I don’t understand why he’d think that either” I tell her.

“I miss him Mum” she says looking up at me.

“I miss him too honey” I reply as Lilly crawls onto my lap and hugs me tight.

“I didn’t want him to leave either and I promise you, I’m going to do my best to make him see that.”

I hear the bathroom door open and realise that Max is out of the bath. “How about you grab your pyjamas and go and have a bath.  I need to talk to Max about this fight he had.”

“Okay Mum” she says before climbing off my lap and grabbing her pyjamas from her drawer.

I follow her out of the room and I head into Max’s room, knocking on the open door as I enter.

“Hey, can I talk to you please?” I say as I sit on his bed. He’s sitting on the floor playing with his cars.

“Do you want to tell me about this fight you had at school please?” I ask him.

He sort of shrugs and mumbles something unintelligible.

“Max, look at me please” I say to him.

He lifts his head and glares at me.

“What happened please?” I ask again.

“Some kid was pushing me around so I pushed him back. He fell over and told on me.”

“And that’s all that happened?” I ask him.

“Yes” he replies before focusing on his cars again.

“Are you angry at me?” I ask, fearful of his answer.

Looking back at me he says “No mum. I’m angry at Andy. Why did he leave?”

“Listen mate, I can’t really tell you why, but please don’t be angry with him. He thinks he’s doing the best thing for us.”

“Well he’s not. He hurt Lilly’s feelings, he’s made me mad and he’s made you sad” he says, looking a lot like his father when he used to feel victimised.

“I know. It’s not exactly fair that we don’t have a say in it but there’s not a lot I can do about this at the moment. But I promise you Max, he didn’t do it to hurt us.”

He just nods and I stand up, rubbing the top of his head as I do.

“Trust me okay, he didn’t mean it” I say as he looks up at me again.

“Okay” he replies.

I leave his room, and head back out to the Vicki and Bradie. They’re sitting in the lounge room watching TV and I take a seat on the arm of the couch.

“Everything okay?” Bradie asks me.

“Yeah, I think so” I tell him.

“Thanks for your hand today guys. I really appreciate it” I say.

“Anytime Elle” Vicki says.

“How’s the packing going?” I ask her.

“Just about finished. Actually I might head home and finalise everything tonight so I have tomorrow free.”

“What time do you leave on Wednesday?” I ask her.

“I think the flight is at three in the morning or something stupid like that. Do you guys want to go out to lunch tomorrow?” she asks us.

“Yeah sure, that sounds fine. I’d better check in at work tomorrow anyhow” I say.

Bradie turns to me and says “Sandra said to take the week off; she’s going to cover it all for you apparently.”

“Oh okay then.”

“Are you still going to go to Brooke’s party Saturday night?” Vicki asks me.

“I don’t know yet. I guess I’ll see how I’m feeling.”

“I’ll take you if you want to go” Bradie says with a smile.

“Thankyou. So have either of you heard from him?” I ask.

“Nothing at all. I’ve left him countless messages but he still won’t ring me. If I haven’t heard from him before I leave the country I’m going be so pissed at him” Vicki says.

This brings a smile to my face. I’d hate to be on Vicki’s wrong side, that’s for sure.

“I’ve got practice on Wednesday with him but no, I haven’t heard a word from him either” Bradie says.

I nod to myself as Vicki stands up. “I’m going to get going. I’ll see you guys tomorrow around eleven, does that suit you?”

“That’s fine with me” Bradie says and I nod in agreement.

“I’ll see myself out” Vicki says as she heads for the front door.

“Good night” I say as she leaves.

I slide down on to the couch next to Bradie and we watch a bit of TV for a while. The kids come and join us and when it’s bed time they go without argument.

When I return to the couch Bradie throws an arm around my shoulder and I cuddle into his side. We watch in silence and when he starts to yawn I stand and say goodnight to him. He stands as well and hugs me tight.

“Get some sleep tonight okay? I’m right here if you need me” he tells me before kissing the top of my head.

“Alright, goodnight” I say as I let him go and wander into my bedroom to get ready for bed. I brush my teeth, slip my pyjamas on and then climb under the doona. The bed is cold and empty and feels so wrong. I switch the TV but find nothing to amuse me. I grab my laptop out from under the bed instead and decide to check my emails.

Logging in I see that I have an email from Mathew and I open it to see what he has to say. After scanning it briefly I see that the date for the hearing has been set for two months time. He has also been informed by Jim and Carol’s lawyer that I contacted them. He’s not too impressed to say the least. Apparently the email I sent them has been kept confidential but he wants to know what was in it.

I file that email away in my ‘bits’ folder in my program and scan the rest of the mails. There’s nothing overly interesting, nothing from Andy, not that I thought there would be. My chest aches a little from the heartache and I decide to re-read the email I sent to Jim and Carol last night again.

Chapter twenty-five

Later on Sunday evening Sarah comes over to see how I am feeling. Vicki and Bradie have already explained to her and Tom what had happened with Andy. Bradie informed me earlier this afternoon after my pregnancy was revealed that he wasn’t letting me stay on my own at home and that he was moving in and sleeping on my couch until all this mess is sorted out.

I can’t help but adore Bradie and his over-protective nature. Between him and Vicki, I have made it through the afternoon and even managed to smile a little as well. Vicki has been great to me and even offered to delay her trip if I wanted her to hang around. Of course, I refused to be the cause of her losing business and insisted that I am going to be just fine.

“So how are you feeling Elle? Is there anything I can do for you?” Sarah asks me.

“No thanks Sarah, I’ll be fine I’m sure. The only thing I ask of you though is if you hear from Andy; please don’t tell him about my hospital visit. I don’t want him to know about it please.”

“I will try not to mention it but if he asks me how you are, I’m not going to lie and tell him you’re fine. Just like if you ask me how he is, I’m not going to lie to you either” she says. Something about the way she says it though makes me think she’s spoken to him already.

“You’ve spoken to him already haven’t you? How is he?” I ask her, my chest constricting at the mere thought of Andy calling.

“He’s not doing too well at all really. I begged him to come home and sort this mess out but he’s pretty adamant that what he’s doing is the right thing, no matter how much it’s hurting you or him.”

I hang my head and feel my eyes well up again. When I look up at Sarah the tears are free-falling down my cheeks. “Why won’t he come back to me?” I ask her, my voice wavering as I speak.

“Oh honey, he will, I’m sure he will. He’s just so confused right now and I think he’s feeling so ashamed of his past behaviour you know? It’s all catching up to him and it’s now affecting you and the kids” Sarah says as she hugs me to her chest.

I’m punishing myself by asking this but I have to. “Did he ask about me at all?”

“He didn’t need to honey, as soon as he answered the phone I started in on him about how hurt you are. I’m pretty sure I upset him even more actually but he needed to know that what he’s doing isn’t the right thing. It’s breaking you both and very soon it’s going to start affecting those beautiful children of yours too to see their Mum so broken.”

I slow my breathing down and try to stem the flow of tears.

“If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t tell him that you were in hospital only that you weren’t coping at all” she says.

I nod my head before asking “when did you call him?”

“This afternoon, I’ve been trying since Friday night but he just wouldn’t answer. He wouldn’t tell me where he was but said he was staying with a friend for a little while.”

Bradie enters the lounge room where Sarah and I are sitting and sits on the arm of the couch and puts one of his big hands on my shoulder and rubs it gently.

“Are you okay?” he says to me to which I nod.

“We’ve made dinner. Vicki and the kids are just cleaning up the kitchen now. How about you come and eat something?” he asks me.

Looking up at him I give him a small smile and say “I’m not really that hungry.”

“Elle, you need to eat” he says, giving me a hard look. “You must take care of yourself now.”

Realising that he’s referring to the new life inside of me I submit and nod my head. “Yeah of course, I’ll be there in a minute” I tell him as I stand. “I’m just going to go and wash my face.”

As I leave I hear Bradie ask Sarah if she’s heard from Andy. I don’t want to hear Sarah re-tell it so I head straight to my ensuite and wash my face with cold water. Looking in the mirror I stare at the bags under my eyes, the red rims and the purple marks on my face. Biting my lip I wonder how the hell I’m going to get through any of this without him. I still can’t bear to look in my wardrobe and have taken to closing my eyes as I walk through it.

When I return to the lounge room, Sarah and Bradie are still there, talking low between them. There is a scowl on Bradie’s face and I’m assuming they’re still discussing Andy. As they see me approach they abruptly end their conversation and Sarah turns to me and tells me she’s heading home.

“If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask Elle. Tom and I are right next door whenever you need us okay?” she says.

“Thanks Sarah, I will” I say as she hugs me and heads out the front door.

Bradie slings an arm around my shoulders and leads me to the dining table. “Come on, got to keep your strength up now” he says to me as he kisses my temple.

I sit down with the kids, Bradie and Vicki opposite me as Vicki puts a chicken and rice dish on the table. We eat in relative silence and I’m quietly contemplating how I’m going to tell Sandra about the latest saga in my life when my phone starts ringing on the bench.

Bradie stands and grabs it for me and looks at the display. A frown forms on his face and he answers it as he strides out of the room. I’m left a little dumb-founded at the kitchen table wondering why he answered my phone for me when I realise who it would be calling.

I quickly push my chair back from the table as I stand the noise echoing as it hits the floor. I run out the front door trying to find Bradie and retrieve my phone. When I locate him near the road he is talking quietly but I can hear the anger in his voice.

“Bradie” I call out to him as I run towards him. I see the shock on his face as he turns and looks at me.

“Give me my fucking phone right now” I say to him, the anger in me so strong that I’m surprised I’m swearing at him.

He grimaces as he quickly says something quietly into the mouthpiece before holding my phone out to me. I snatch it out of his hands and look at the display to make sure it really is him.

Turning my back to him and holding the phone to my ear, I’m suddenly overwhelmed and have no idea what to say. I can hear him breathing in my ear and just that simple sound makes me break down and sob. The sound of him inhaling deeply before releasing a breath fills my head before I hear his voice.

“Elle, I’m so sorry.”

I fall to my knees on the grass and hold the phone tight to my head. I manage to whisper “come back” before the line goes dead and I’m lost to my emotions again. I’m sobbing and crying unaware of Bradie’s arms around me at first and when I realise he is nursing me on the ground I cry openly into his shoulder.

His hand is rubbing my back and after a while I manage to calm myself down enough to apologise to him for being so rude.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn’t have taken your phone like that; I don’t know what came over me. I saw his name and I just got so God damn angry at the thought of what he’s done that I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want him saying anything to you to upset you anymore than he already has. I’m so so sorry Elle. Please forgive me” he says into my ear as he kisses my head and holds me tight.

I squeeze him back and say “of course I forgive you” before releasing him a bit and pulling back to see his face.

He brushes the hair from my eyes and wipes my tears away. “Come on, we’d better get you up off this damp ground before you catch pheumonia.”

We both stand and walk back towards the house. “What did he say?” I ask him, punishing myself again.

“Not much really. I spent most of the time yelling at him for being such a shit. He wouldn’t tell me where he was, but he did say he was sorry and that he’d see me this week at practice so I’m guessing he’s not too far away.”

I nod my head as we reach the front door and he holds it open for me. “Let’s go finish our dinner” he says as he leads me into the house. I quickly wipe away the remaining tears as we approach the table.

Both Lilly and Max look worried as sin and Vicki isn’t too much better. “Everything okay?” she asks as we sit at the table with them. I nod my head in reply without looking at anyone in particular and place my focus on the plate in front of me.

“Yeah, it’s okay” Bradie says before doing the same as me.

“Mum, are you alright?” Lilly asks me.

I look up at her and say “I’ll be okay” to her and give her a small smile.

“Was that Andy on the phone?” she asks me and I nearly drop my fork. Not trusting my voice I simply nod instead.

“When is he coming home?” she says.

“We’re not sure yet honey” Bradie says to her. “He has some things to do so it might not be for a while yet.”

“Alright” she replies, seemingly satisfied with his answer. Max on the other hand looks like he’s ready to hit something.

“He’s not coming back is he?” Max says. The silence at the table is deafening and I’m not sure what to do.

“We don’t know yet mate” Bradie replies for me. “We certainly hope he will, but we just don’t know” he says.

My appetite is gone and I let my fork fall to the plate. “Would you guys please excuse me, I’m going to go and have a shower” I say as I stand and grab my plate, placing it on the bench as I walk past.

“Are you okay?” Vicki calls out to me on my way to my bedroom. I nod my head in response, not trusting my words as I close the bedroom door behind me and allow the despair to once again surface.

Undressing quickly I make my way to the shower, again refusing to look at the void in my wardrobe where Andy’s clothes once hung. I turn the hot water on and let it run for a minute before climbing in to the scalding water and letting it wash over me. I shampoo my hair and scrub my body, trying to make myself feel better but only succeeding a little bit.

When I step out and wrap myself in my towel I find my pyjamas and get changed before coming back out to the kitchen. Everyone has finished dinner and is cleaning up the kitchen. Lilly hugs me and says she’s going to have a bath, with Max following her as she wanders to the bathroom.

I lean against the kitchen bench and thank both Vicki and Bradie for dinner.

Bradie hangs up the tea towel and says “you’re welcome. Are you feeling any better now?”

“Yeah, I am, thankyou” I reply.

“I’m going to get going home. I have to sort through some things and start getting packed again” Vicki says as she empties the water from the sink. She turns and hugs me tight before kissing my head and whispering “it will be alright” in my ear.

I smile at her as she pulls away and she says a quick goodnight to Bradie before leaving.

“Come on, lets go find something to watch” Bradie says as we wander into the lounge room.

When the kids are both in the pyjamas they come out and sit with us whilst we watch Futurama. At eight o’clock I announce it’s their bed time and with a bit of groaning I manage to get them both to bed.

Bradie and I settle on the couch and watch the very first Star Wars movie together. About three quarters of the way through it I can hear him softly snoring and I decide to leave him in peace so he can stretch out and get some sleep.

I retrieve the blanket from the back of the couch and place it over him before turning off the TV, grabbing my laptop and phone before moving into my bedroom.

I hadn’t really been watching the movie all that time but instead had been making a mental list of everything I need to do.

First thing is to get this court case out of the way. Ignoring the instructions of Matthew and everyone else I settle myself on my bed and start composing a letter on my laptop to Jim and Carol. I figure that if I can get them to realise what they are doing to the children by launching this action then they may reconsider it.

I also need to know why they are suddenly doing this and what alerted them to Andy’s past indiscretions. Both Jim and Carol are in their early sixties so it’s not as though they are in touch with the latest bands, least of all Short stack and their members. When I remember back to the funeral they seemed to be quite impressed by Andy and were talking very politely with him for a while there. It seems so out of character for either of them to be so vindictive that I’m very suspicious that they have been told things that aren’t true. But again, it comes back to who would do such a thing?

When I have finished writing the letter I check it over three times, making sure everything sounds right before I hit that send button.

I have a moment of short-lived regret at doing so, but it passes quickly and I feel a little bit of a weight lift from my shoulders.

I debate on whether or not to check Twitter but curiosity gets the better of me. To my relief I see that Andy hasn’t tweeted for about a week and I’m quietly pleased that he’s keeping away from the social media.

Where ever he is, he’s hiding himself from me and the only contact I have is his phone or email. I don’t trust myself with the email address so I grab my phone instead and dial his number. It goes straight to his voice mail which indicates he has it switched off.

“Hey, this is Andy, I can’t take your call at the moment so leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.”

I take a deep breath before saying quietly “I miss you. I know you think it’s your fault and that by leaving it’s going to make things better, but it’s not. I need to speak to you. I need to see you. There are so many things I need to say to you and that you need to know. But most of all, I just need you. Come home soon please. I love you” I say before pushing the end button.

I breathe slowly and deeply thinking about how much I miss Andy and his presence. I close my laptop and put it back in its bag before sliding it under my bed. I grab the remote from the bedside table as I put my phone there and switch on the TV.

There is nothing really amusing on and I try to concentrate on a movie that is on the ABC but staring at the screen I realise I have no idea what it’s about.

I snuggle down into the doona and hope like hell that I can get a bit of sleep tonight. My dreams are swirls of colour and emotions but are about nothing in particular. When I wake at just after five am I’m tired but unable to sleep anymore. I sit up in bed and find the remote hidden under the doona next to me. I flick the TV on and watch the morning news for a bit.

The buzz of my phone on the bedside table startles me and I grab it quickly, looking to see that I have a new message.

“Please understand, we can no longer see each other. It’s best to end it now. Don’t call me again, please.”

My heart shatters and I feel the glimmer of hope I had speed away from me like a shooting star. It’s over. My chest hurts and I let out a small agonising scream.

My bedroom door busts open and Bradie runs in. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?” he says worriedly. I curl into a ball on the bed and hand him my phone.

Chapter twenty-four

Oh yay, just what I need, another shock to my system. How could I be pregnant? I took the morning after pill, we’ve used protection ever since. This can’t be right. I glance at the stick again and sure enough, two lines. God damn it!

I walk back out to the doctor and show her the stick.

“Okay, so that is a positive result. This is unplanned then?” she says. Freaking genius doctor this one.

I shake my head as I sit on the bed again, cradling the test in my hand and staring at it.

The doctor starts asking me questions about my menstrual cycle and I answer every question on auto-pilot. I feel the bed dip beside me and realise she is now sitting next to me. I look over at her and she smiles, very gently.

“We have counsellors here that are available if you need to speak to someone. I’m going to still prescribe the anti-depressants for you because I think at this stage they will be of benefit to you but I’ll be giving you another type that is safe for use during pregnancy.”

“Okay” I reply. “Please don’t mention this to my friends out there” I say to her.

“Elle, you really should have someone you can talk to about this, you can’t bear it all on your own at the moment. Certainly not with everything else that’s happening in your life at the moment. I’m assuming that the father is the man who recently left?” she says.

“Yeah, he is.”

“All I’m saying is don’t try to handle this on your own okay? Everyone has a breaking point and you reached yours today. Your body’s reaction was to shut down and put you into shock. Confide in someone close to you, promise me that” she says.

I nod slowly before saying a quiet “okay.”

“Well, I’m going to keep you in overnight, just to keep an eye on  you since you now have another issue to deal with and I don’t want your body shutting down on you. I’ll send your friends back in for you and I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

“Thank you” I say as she walks out of the room. I climb back into bed and put the test stick under the sheets beside me so no one can see it. The kids are first in the room and they climb on the bed next to me.

I kiss them both on the top of their head and they hug me tight. “Where’s everyone else?” I ask them both.

“The doctor is talking to them” says Max.

I know she won’t say anything about the pregnancy but I still try to evaluate their expressions as they file back into the room shortly after.

Sarah is the first to speak. “The doctor said you’re staying in overnight. Don’t worry about the twins, they can have a sleep over at our place, can’t you guys?” she says to them both.

“You’re not coming home Mummy?” says Lilly.

“Not yet sweetie, hopefully I will tomorrow though. You can come back in the morning and see me but” I tell her.

She cuddles back into me and burries her face into my side.  Everyone sits down and the talk quietly amongst themselves, including me in the conversation where possible but to be honest, I’m not even listening. Instead I’m trying to work out what I’m going to do now. Who do I talk to about this? Alice is one of my closest friends but so is Bradie. If I tell Bradie though, he’s likely to call Andy and tell him.  Alice wouldn’t though, this I know for sure.

With their conversations coming to an end, the nurse sticks her head in the door and announces that visiting hours are over. Everyone says goodbye and the kids kiss me over and over.

When Alice comes to say goodbye I say quietly to her “would you mind staying, just for a minute? I need to speak to you about something.”

“Yeah sure” she says as she steps back allowing Bradie to lean over and kiss my cheek.

“I’ll see you tomorrow” he says in my ear before giving me a gentle smile and leaving the room behind the others.

Alice sits down on the bed beside me and grabs my hand. “You scared the living shit out of me today. Oh and by the way, nice tattoos” she says with a grin.

I release a smile and look down at where our hands are clasped together.

Looking back up at her face I say the only thing that comes to my mind. “I’m pregnant.”

Watching the emotions flick over her face I wait for her response.

“He doesn’t know does he?” she finally says.

“No. I only just found out myself.”

“Wow.”

We sit in silence for a moment as she processes this new information.

“Are you going to tell him?” Alice asks me.

“No, and you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not a soul okay?” I say to her.

“I promise I won’t. But really Elle, don’t you think you should tell him?”

“Not yet, not until all this other mess is sorted out. He is carrying enough guilt at the moment. If he found out we are having a child as well, I don’t know what he’d do. I just want to have some time first to adjust to it all. Get my life sorted out.”

“Alright, as long as you realise that I’m here for you, no matter what okay? But if I was you, I’d be telling Bradie as well. You know he thinks of you as a sister, you’re going to need as much support as you can get at the moment. Just please, trust in him.”

“I’m afraid he’ll tell Andy” I reply, hanging my head.

“He wouldn’t if you asked him not to. Believe me, that man is very loyal to you.”

I look back up at her and feel the tears forming in my eyes again. Alice leans over and hugs me to her, rubbing my back as she does. “It will all work out, believe me” she says.

After I let the tears flow for a little bit, I wipe them away as I lean back in the bed. “You’d better get going before the cranky nurse comes and drags you out” I say to her with a smile.

“Are you going to be okay tonight?” she asks me.

“Yeah, I’ll switch the TV on and see if I can find something to watch” I say with a smile. Really, I know that I won’t be sleeping at all. She seems to believe my reply though as she kisses my cheek and says goodbye.

I turn the TV on and switch on some documentary on SBS. I don’t even know what it’s about as my thoughts are swirling around everything that’s happened. Secretly I want Andy to know about the baby, come back on his knees and beg forgiveness before proposing to me. But I also know that this is the real world. And before I even think of telling him he’s going to be a dad, I need to get the rest of my life straightened out.

I’m halfway through making a mental list of things I need to do when the doctor walks in again.

“How are you feeling Elle?” she says to me.

“I’m alright I guess. Just not really able to sleep at the moment.”

“I would think not. Unfortunately though, because of your current condition, I can’t offer you anything to help with that besides warm milk” she says with a smile. “You haven’t eaten this evening either I see. I’ll get someone to bring you a meal and get some milk brought in with it.”

“Thankyou, that would be great” I reply. “I took your advice too and confided in my friend.”

“Good, I’m glad you did. A problem shared is a problem halved you know” she says with a wink whilst writing some information on my chart. “I’m going to get the nurses to bring you some dinner and then I want you to get some rest. “

“Thank you” I say as she leaves.

I flick through the channels some more, finally settling on re-runs of Friends. A nurse brings a tray of food in for me and I pick my way through it. I’m not really hungry but I know I need to eat.

When I’m finished I push the tray to the end of the end of the bed and settle down under the blankets, trying to get comfortable.

I drift off to sleep and have dreams of babies and judges and a jury in a cage.

I discovered that there was an older lady in the bed next to me who is an early riser apparently. She must also be deaf because I could hear the Today show blaring at six o’clock. I roll to my side and cuddle my pillow to my chest. It’s a very poor substitute for Andy and I eventually give up. I climb out of bed to use the bathroom and as I do, that little test stick falls to the floor.

I bend over and pick it up, being reminded once again of what a drama my life is at the moment.

I put it on the bed side table and go to the bathroom, taking a towel with me and deciding to have a shower whilst I’m at it.

When I get out I realise that I still don’t have any clothes yet so I reluctantly put my hospital gown back on and climb back into bed, trying to run my fingers through my hair but very unsuccessfully.

I hope someone brings me some clothes and a hair brush soon. I look and feel like an escaped mental patient.

I lean back in the bed and as I do a lady pushing a trolley enters the room.

“Breakfast time” she says as she places a tray on the little table and takes another one to the lady next to me.

I uncover the food and find some toast, cereal and some fruit. I’m starving and immediately start eating.

“Would you like some coffee love?” she asks me.

“Yes please, black with two thank you” I say between bites of my toast.

She places my cup on my tray before leaving the room. I eat my breakfast in peace, the lady next to me seeming to choosing to sleep rather than eat.

Just after eight o’clock I’m bored to tears and dying to get home. The doctor on duty comes in and checks me over, giving me the all clear to go home, much to my relief.

Now I just have to wait for someone to come get me.  The nurse who checked on me last night comes in and asks if there is someone that she can call for me to come and get me. I give her Bradie’s home number and both his and Sarah’s names as contacts. She leaves the room, presumably to make the call and I sit back and wait for someone to come and get me.

Twenty minutes later Bradie arrives with Vicki and the kids.

After saying hello to them, giving Vicki a hug as well, she hands me a bag with clothes and toiletries in it. “Oh thank you, you’re a life saver!” I say to her.

“I’ll just wait out in the hall” Bradie says, leaving the room.

I take the bag and go into the bathroom and get changed. Running a brush through my hair is like torture but I eventually manage to get all the knots out.

When I walk back out I feel much better. I grab my script that the doctor left for me from the side table and also grab the test stick as well, hoping that Vicki or Bradie didn’t see it. Putting it in my back pocket I turn and take Max and Lilly’s hands as we leave the room.

I stop at the nurse’s station to sign the release papers and we head out to the car.

“Are you feeling better today?” Bradie asks me from the front seat as we are heading towards home.

“Yeah I am thanks. Thank you for coming and getting me, I couldn’t wait to get out of there.”

“You’re welcome, do you need anything on the way home?” he asks me.

“I have to get a script filled but I’m going to need my Medicare card and wallet for that” I say.

“I grabbed your bag for you off the kitchen bench so if it’s in there we can stop if you want” Vicki says handing me my bag.

I quickly check to make sure it’s in there before saying “yeah, that’d be good if we can.”

We pull into the chemist that’s just down the road from our houses and I hop out of the car. Of course the kids follow me which leads Vicki and Bradie to follow as well.  I take my script to the counter and hand over my Medicare card and answer the questions the girl asks me.

We wander around the store whilst we wait and when I hear my name called I go to the counter alone. The chemist takes me aside and goes over the dosage with me, making sure that I understand it all before handing me the box of tablets so I can go and pay for them.

After we leave we duck next door to the little Seven Eleven store and pick up some bits and pieces. Vicki volunteers to make us all lunch and I smile in thanks.

We leave and head home when we have our supplies. Every one climbs out of the car and heads inside. Vicki takes the food she bought to the kitchen and starts making us all kebabs for lunch. I sit at the bench and drink the diet Coke that Bradie got for me. He sits down next to me and we watch Vicki whilst she works.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come in last night to see you but I figured that there would be too many people there anyhow” she says to me.

“It’s okay, you’ll more than make up for it by making lunch” I tell her.

She loads the kebabs into the sandwich press and shuts the lid before leaning against the bench.

“I’m sorry about what happened with Andy” she says, her voice low.

I nod my head, keeping silent so that the tears don’t fall again. Bradie grabs my hand and squeezes it gently before holding it in his.

Vicki stands back up and walks to the fridge. “What would the kids like to drink?” she asks me.

“Oh, some milk would be fine for them” I tell her as she grabs the bottle and some cups and pours them.

Bradie stands and takes them from Vicki and places them on the table whilst she takes the kebabs out of the sandwich press and puts them on plates.

“Kids, lunch is ready” I call out to them as they come in from the lounge room.

We all sit at the kitchen table and devour our lunch. When we’ve finished the kids suggest a game of soccer out the back and they grab the newly purchased soccer ball and run out the back door.

The three of us follow and sit at the table whilst we watch them kick the ball back and forth.

“I really should try and get them a set of those mini soccer goals so they have something to aim for” I say.

“We could go and have a look for some this afternoon if you’d like?” Bradie asks me.

“We’ll see how I’m feeling. I’m not sure I want to go out at the moment.”

He nods and returns his focus back on the kids.

When I know that the twins are completely engrossed in their game I reach into my back pocket and pull out the pregnancy test and place it in front of me on the table.

Vicki sees it immediately and lets out a gasp which makes Bradie’s head swing around.

He looks at it and then looks at me. “You’re pregnant?” he asks.

I nod my head slowly before reaching for the stick and putting it back in my pocket.

“I beg you both, do not tell anyone about this yet. Please. Apart from you two, only Alice knows and I’d like to keep it that way for a while.”

“What about Andy though?” Vicki says. “Don’t you think he has the right to know?”

“Yes he does. But I would like to keep it quiet until the court case mess is behind me. At the moment, that is my first priority” I tell them.

Bradie gives me a huge grin and grabs my hand. “I’m going to be an uncle” he whispers. I can tell he’s holding back his excitement so the kids don’t hear him but it doesn’t stop him from getting up and coming around to my side of the table and hugging me tight.

“I’m here for you, for anything, okay?” he says in my ear and I nod my head in reply. I soon feel Vicki’s arms around me as well and we stand there in a group hug until I hear Max start arguing with Lilly. We all release our arms and Bradie goes over and sorts the kids out whilst Vicki and I sit back down.

I feel her staring and I turn to face her.

“Are you happy about the pregnancy?” she asks me, looking very serious.

I look her in the eye and shrug my shoulders. “So many things have happened in the last couple of days, horrible things that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies. Then this happens, and it’s like a ray of sunlight. So yes, I am happy” I tell her.

“So am I” she says with a grin and leans over to hug me.

Chapter twenty-three

“Hey, this is Andy, I can’t take your call at the moment so leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.” I replay it again before hanging up.

I have dialled his number over forty times so far today, just to hear his voice, but never to leave a message.

I was supposed to take Max and Lilly to soccer this morning but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house. Bradie offered to do it for me and I accepted without argument. He stayed last night on the couch after Max ran next door to get him when I collapsed in the kitchen.

Alice is here now with me. She’s on the couch and is watching TV but I can feel her glance at me every minute or so. I don’t know what she thinks is going to happen. Perhaps she expects me to start screaming any minute or burst into tears.

I haven’t said a word since I read the letter he wrote. I can’t bring myself to open my mouth and let the thoughts that are swirling in my head be heard. I’m not sure if I want to cry and sob and bawl until I’m dehydrated or to scream at the top of my lungs in anger.  I really should have seen this coming. I should have realised that he’d work out what was going on. Bradie did. So why wouldn’t Andy?

I release a heavy sigh and look at my hands in my lap. I still have the shakes, although not as bad now. I know I’m sinking into that dark hell hole again in my brain and I should be at the doctors right now getting my script written for some anti-depressants. If I start on them now, perhaps I can make it through this.

I glance over to Alice to see if she’s watching me. Sure enough, she is and she gives me a small smile.

“Do you want anything? A drink or something to eat?” she says. I shake my head no and look back at my lap. The watch on my arm says it’s now just after ten in the morning.  I realise I’m still wearing yesterdays clothes and I probably stink as well. I mentally berate myself for being a slob and stand from the couch, heading for the ensuite and shower.

As I walk through the wardrobe I try to keep my focus on the shower in front of me but in my peripheral view I notice his clothes are gone. There is a massive empty space where his things were. I feel the tears flood my eyes as I turn the shower on and strip myself of my clothes.

Climbing in I let my emotions go, allowing the water to mix with my tears and wash it away before anyone sees me break. I let myself fall to the floor and I lay in the steaming hot water in the base of the shower for what feels like hours. Eventually the water is turned off and someone sits me up and wraps me in a towel.

I look but it’s not a face I recognise. There are two of them, and they’re in uniform. I see their mouths moving but I can’t hear anything. Have I gone deaf? What is wrong with me? There’s a light in front of my eyes and I’m trying to blink but my eyes won’t listen to my brain. Someone lifts me and through the fog I hear my name. I look again, trying to see past the haze I spot the face of someone I know. Alice.

She reaches out her hand and strokes my head as I’m leaving the room with the other two. I don’t realise it at first but I’m on a trolley. They must be ambulance officers I gather. Alice is saying something to me but I can’t make out the words. It’s like someone has pushed the mute button on my remote and I have to try and lip-read.

Everything is bright suddenly as I realise I’m being wheeled outside. Another face comes into view and it’s familiar but the name won’t come to me.  The woman bends over and kisses my forehead. I know her. I must. She is so familiar but this fog is making everything seem grey.

Suddenly it’s dark again as I realise I’m in the ambulance. Alice is next to me. I’m pretty sure she’s holding my hand. Her face is near mine and she whispers my name in my ear. I look at her and try to ask what’s happening but nothing comes out.

I blink my eyes and I’m in the hospital now. Everything is white and pale green. It smells sterile and there are beeping noises coming from nearby. I look with only my eyes, too afraid to try and move and realise I’m alone. The curtains are drawn around me and I see that there is a drip in my hand. When I wiggle my fingers I realise they have pulse monitor on my index finger too.

My throat is dry and if I tried to talk I’d doubt I actually could. I dry swallow and open my mouth, testing my movements. My head moves when I try and I glance down to my feet under the blanket and move my toes. Everything seems to be working fine. So what the hell happened?

I lick my lips and test my voice but nothing comes out. I try to clear my throat a little and swallow before attempting to say something again.  This time I manage to rasp out a quiet ‘hello’.

 Suddenly a curtain whips open and Bradie is standing there. He practically leaps over to the bed, grabbing my hand in his and putting his other hand on my face.

“Hey, are you okay?” he says.

I frown a little and manage to squeak out “thirsty.”

“Oh yeah, sure hang on and I’ll get the doctor first” he says before darting out again.

When he comes back he’s followed by a lady in a white coat and a stethoscope hanging from her neck. She grabs my chart, has a quick look then puts it back before coming to the head of the bed.

“Hi Elle, I’m Doctor Powers. How are you feeling?” she says.

I try my voice out again and say “thirsty” again.

She pours me out a cup of water and hands it to me as Bradie helps me to sit up. I take a mouthful, the coolness soothing my throat instantly. I swallow again and lick my lips, feeling a little better I lean back on the pillow.

“Elle, do you remember what happened?” says Doctor Powers.

“Not really” I manage to say. I swallow again and clear my throat before continuing. “I’m guessing I had an anxiety attack again?”

“So you’ve had these before then?” she asks me. I notice Bradie has my hand in his again and it suddenly makes me remember the kids.

I look at him and say “Where are the twins?”

“Alice took them to get something to eat. It’s okay, they’re fine” he says with a gentle smile.

“Elle, do you take any prescription drugs to treat these attacks at the moment?” the doctor asks me, bringing my focus back to her.

“Ah, no not at the moment. In the past I was on anti-depressants for a while, and that helped but it’s been six months or so since I’ve come off them. I couldn’t even tell you the name of them. It feels as though my brain doesn’t want to work.”

“Alright, I’m going to let your friend here fill you in on what’s been happening and I’ll be back in an hour or so and we’ll check your vitals. If you’re up to it we’ll let you go home tonight alright?”

“Okay, thanks” I reply, already forgetting her name.

As she leaves the room Bradie leans over and kisses my forehead. “How are you feeling?” he says.

“Confused, what happened?” I reply.

“Well Alice found you on the floor of the shower. You were passed out but had your eyes open. She thought you might have had a fit or something so she called the ambulance and they came and took you to the hospital. Alice rang me when I was on the way home from soccer with the kids and told me what had happened.  We came straight here and have been here since. You were unconscious all afternoon. The doctors think it’s a combined anxiety attack and reaction to shock.”

“What time is it now then?” I ask him.

“It’s about seven thirty I think.”

I close my eyes and try to picture what Andy would be doing now. I hope they haven’t told him about this. Even after the letter I’m still trying to protect him. I still love him. He’s hurting as much as I am at the moment and the last thing I would want is for him to hurt some more.

When this is all over with, the court case settled, I’ll find him again and I’m not letting him go. It’s not an option.

I’m shaken out of my thoughts by the sounds of feet running down the hallway. The sound bursts into the little room I’m sharing with another patient and ends when the curtain is pulled back to reveal Max and Lilly.

“Mummy!” they both cry out before climbing on the bed and hugging the life out of me.

The tears run down my face as I kiss and hug them both. I’m feeling so highly strung at the moment and very emotional. My babies are holding me like they never have before and I’m overwhelmed by the amount of love I feel for them.

I stroke their hair to calm them down a little as Lilly reaches up and wipes away my tears.

“Are you okay Mummy?” she asks me.

“Yes sweetheart, I’m okay” I say to her. Max’s look of concern is filling me with guilt and I try to smile at him. “Stop worrying, I’ll be fine” I say to him.

The kids climb off the bed and Alice comes and hugs me. “You gave me such a scare” she whispers in my ear.

‘I’m sorry about that. We’ll talk later though okay” I tell her.

Every one pulls a chair up but it seems they have no idea what to say to me. I know that they know what happened, and that they would have realised that Andy has left. I decide to put them out of their misery.

“So, has any one heard from Andy since he left?” I ask, try to put on a brave face even though the tears have started falling again.

Bradie clears his throat and says “No, we’ve all been trying to reach him but he’s not picking up and no one has seen him.”

“If you do hear from him, don’t tell him about this please? He doesn’t need to know.”

“Are you kidding me? He leaves you, in the middle of a court case, stressed to the eyeballs and expects you to get over this without him? He is going to cop the biggest lecture from me when I find him, right before he receives the biggest ass-kicking” Bradie says, raising his voice in anger.

“That’s not going to help anyone Bradie, and you know it” I say to him, try to calm him down.

“What’s a court case Mum?” says Max.

I shoot Bradie a glare before turning to Max and saying “nothing for you to worry about okay? It’s just a grown-ups thing.”

He nods his head and hopefully has let it go.

“Knock Knock” I hear from the doorway and we all turn our heads to see Tom in the doorway with Chris on Sarah’s hip.

“Can we come in?” Sarah says and I nod my head and smile at her. Tom comes forward and kisses my cheek handing me some flowers as well.

“Oh thank you guys, that’s sweet of you” I say as Alice comes and takes them for me and puts them on the little table. Sarah passes Chris to Tom and leans over and kisses my forehead. I have a sudden recollection of her doing this when I was taken away in the ambulance. That was who was talking to me.

“I’m glad you’re looking a bit better” she says to me before standing up and squeezing my hand.

“You gave us all quite a scare” Tom says as he passes Chris back to Sarah.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that” I say to them.

“Don’t be silly. As long as you are alright now” says Sarah.

The doctor walks in the room at this point and picks up my chart.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you all to leave the room for a few minutes whilst I just check on our patient here” she says as everyone stands and makes their way out.

She takes my pulse and checks my blood pressure, writing everything down on the chart. “So Elle, you mentioned you’ve previously been on anti-depressants. Do you think something like that would benefit you at the moment, to help keep those attacks at bay and to keep you calm a little bit?”

“I was only thinking that this morning actually” I tell her.

“Your friends out there told me that you’ve just experienced a break up and have some other issues concerning your children happening in your life right now. I sincerely think that it would of benefit to you to perhaps start back on the medication again. Tell me, do you remember having side-effects with the last ones you were on?”

“I think I was just a bit nauseous and maybe had a bit of a dry mouth for the first few days but besides that they worked fine. I just can’t remember what the hell they were called. My brain is still very foggy. It started with an A I think” I tell her.

“Aurorix? Ananfranil? Aropax?” she says, listing off the ones starting with A.

“The last one, Aropax, I think. Is it called anything else?” I say.

“It’s a paroxetine based one and sometimes it’s called Paxil” she tells me.

“That’s the one, I’m positive.”

“Okay, well I’m going to give you a script for it and I want you to see your GP within the next month sometime to talk to him about on-going care.”

“Alright, thankyou” I tell her.

“I need to just run through some questions with you first though if that’s okay?”

“Yeah sure thing, I’ll try and remember for you.”

“Okay, firstly is there any history of heart or liver disease, kidney disease, diabetes, cancer or blood pressure problems in your family?”

I shake my head no.

“You’re not pregnant or breast feeding at the moment?” she asks me.

“I don’t think I’m pregnant and I’m certainly not breast feeding.”

“Well before you start back on these tablets I want you to do a test. We can do one here if that would be easier for you” she says.

“Yeah okay, but I’m pretty sure I’m not.”

“Okay, we’ll do that in a minute. Is there any history of neurological dysfunctions or diseases? Any asthma or breathing problems?”

“No, none at all” I reply.

The doctor stands and goes to the cupboards beside my bed and rummages through the drawer for a bit. “I’ll be back in a minute” she says as she leaves the room. I sit up and steady myself on the edge of the bed. It’s at this point I realise I’m only wearing a hospital gown and nothing else. I hope like hell that it’s tied up correctly at the back of it.

The doctor comes back in and hands me a box. “Have you ever done these before?” she asks me.

“Yeah I have” I tell her as I stand.

“Alright, well this one is a mid-stream test and the toilet is just over here. I’ll be here when you’re ready” she says as I wander to the door she indicated.

After doing the test I set it down on the sink and wash my hands before looking in the tiny little mirror. The dark circles under my eyes are still very obvious and my hair looks as though it hasn’t been brushed in days.  I look like a train wreck.

Washing my face quickly I open the door and head back out to where the doc is waiting.

“So was it positive or negative?” she asks me.  I look up at her and realise I didn’t even check the result. My brain is still very hazy and I’m unsure of anything at the moment.

“Oh, I’ll just grab it” I tell her walking back in to the ensuite. Picking up the white stick I look at the little indicator window. Two lines stare back at me.